Woman Desperately Seeking Excuse To Assault Retail Workers Now That Mask Mandate Lifted

ALBANY, NY—Staring down the store’s staff as she wracked her brain, local woman Monica Hadwin was reportedly desperately seeking an excuse to assault retail workers Tuesday now that the state’s mask mandate had been lifted. “I walked in without a mask and all I got was a ‘Hi, how are you today?’—what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” said Hadwin, who flexed her hands achingly as she surveyed the shop’s maskless staff and customers, longing for the perceived slight that would allow her to justify lunging across a counter to claw at a teenager’s face. “I guess no one offered me a free sample when I walked in, I could run with that. Or I could step out of the dressing room in a new outfit and then start screaming if nobody compliments me? No, that’s stupid. Even a ‘Masks Recommended’ sign or a bottle of hand sanitizer would be enough, but Jesus Christ. They just have to make this difficult.” At press time, Hadwin perked up immediately upon overhearing a worker speaking Spanish.