Woman At Suburban Bar Different Kind Of Drunk

ELMHURST, IL—Mesmerized by the distinct aura of the suburban bar patron, sources reported Tuesday that local woman Katrina Wollack, 53, was a different kind of drunk. “It’s a sadder kind of drunk, but also sloppier—she’s much louder too,” said one of the sources, who confirmed they were unable to take their eyes off the inebriated woman as she winked at her 23-year-old server, told him she was old enough to be his mother, and then spilled a glass of white wine all over her french fries. “She keeps trying to bum cigarettes off people who clearly don’t have them. And technically, this isn’t even a bar. It’s a restaurant with a bar. I guess they just have bigger cups out here.” At press time, sources added that Wollack had gotten into her Ford Escape and driven home.