While many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.
Ben Norton, Construction Worker
“Say, hypothetically, anything at all goes wrong with your life. That’s woke.”
Tony Carracaso, Unemployed
“Firing people just for showing the intern at work your penis.”
Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO)
“It’s when you’re forced to celebrate Martin Luther King’s birthday, but you don’t get any cake or ice cream.”
Joseph Kahn, Executive Editor Of
“Whatever it is, we need another few hundred op-eds to nail it down.”
Carla Kennedy, Housewife
“It’s not that hard. It’s about acknowledging that systems have been used to oppress minorities and taking an interest in how those systems can be bettered to improve lives for everyone. I know that. I’m not stupid. I just hate minorities.”
Mehmet Oz, TV Personality
“Woke means knowing that all that stands between you and the body you want is a miracle bottle of raspberry ketones.”
Hannah Arnold, Professor
“Academically speaking, it is the radical process in which the Little Mermaid becomes black.”
Laura Ingraham, Fox News Host
“It’s the word that keeps a couple million rage junkies watching my show every night.”
Jessie Tyrell, Dental Hygienist
“’I tend not to use that word because it has anti-Black connotations and omits the crimes of Jews.”
Terry Young, Accountant
“Woke is when someone changes anything for literally any reason.”
Susan Laimey, Sales Associate
“It’s when Charmin attacks my values by implying that lesbians also use toilet paper.”
Ben Shapiro, Columnist
“The terrifying erosion of Western cultural values and education that makes someone like me seem like an intellectual.”
Rep.
“Wokeness had Biden decide to tackle extremism in the military with an equity plan. It’s what made young men and women in uniform realize they are government pawns—they aren’t supposed to know that.”
Scott Hubel, Dentist
“Whatever I’m currently terrified of or masturbating to.”
Gov.
“I don’t know what it is, and we’ll never have to find out if we destroy it.”
James Wahler, Regional Manager
“Just a little term I use to brush things off when I don’t feel like thinking critically.”
Wendy Paulson, Teacher
“Hey, I’m just grateful to have something to be scared of.”
Brian Timme, Brewer
“That’s such a trans question to ask.”
