Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump recently selected Ohio Sen. J.D. Vance as his running mate. The Onion takes a look at the author and venture capitalist’s background and political stances.
Hometown: Decay, Ohio
Alma Mater: Ohio State University, Yale School of Political Pandering
Ethnicity: Mountain white
Conservative Credentials: Somehow both rich and poor?
Current Larval Stage: Pupa
Books: Hillbilly Elegy, The Wizards Of Elzagard I-III, The Children Of Elzagard IV-V, Elzagard Chornicles: The Crystal Of Sa’Sakar I-IX, Encyclopedia Elzagarium: The Complete Companion To The Elzagard Realm
Face Shape: Cherubic
Go-To Eyeliner Brand: Covergirl Intensify Me! Liquid Liner in Intense Black
When Scanned At Vet, Microchip Identifies Owner As: Peter Thiel
Vice Vice President Pick: Matt Gaetz
Greatest Liability: Attraction to electric bug zappers
Number Of Times Trump Has Issued Order To Have Him Killed: 12
Pet Names For Grandparents: Mamaw and Pissbucket
