With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/cb8e46126dc3be7a9c0c952eaeaa4c07.jpg)
Nora Clampett, 7
“I don’t know, but ever since I caught Dad wrestling with Mom’s sister, he won’t stop buying me them.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/3bd3f38eab6dc0390ee61f1fa8e7305c.jpg)
Stella Greenberg, 18
“Plain and simple, it’s a status symbol, much like the Webstaurant Store stainless steel mixing bowl, or the Solo heavyweight plastic spoon.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/0d4a941f3a7a92642cd670192cce5eb1.jpg)
Nicole Evans, 11
“Without a cup, water goes everywhere.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/ada39c8f4210b1ee1714c46f05b34157.jpg)
Olivia Anderson, 10
“My prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed, so I am a slave to whatever consumerist fantasy is projected into my eyeballs.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/e6d0ab748cb221b67cc49c93855ef93c.jpg)
Jennifer Tisdale, 8
“I told my bitch mom that she could either get me this or lip fillers for my birthday.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/4fe2988082746e7b9ecca584ad549170.jpg)
Rachel Guzmán, 12
“You didn’t hear this from me, but the next big thing is going to be a St. Mary’s class of ’98 coffee mug with half the graphics rubbed off.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/c041e9de90bbaeedfa54747858d043b8.png)
Kate Copeland, 17
“Every time I reach for one of the 35 Stanleys in my collection, I know I’m doing my part to save the environment.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/ed89da1170e52af980c905302b0ca6c4.png)
Sarah Wedig, 20
“It helps me meet my consumerism goals.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/78b77ae31c7d5a0887de6bdf301402af.png)
Brooklynn Berger, 13
“We sell them to scrappers and send the money overseas to ISIS.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/1996d25ba75d25cc330b168623c57b84.jpg)
Chloë Garrison, 18
“I love the variety of fun colors they come in, each of which represents a clandestine sex act.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/136c318ec74a7c2007d4e11c6455e2cd.png)
Taylor St. Onge, 8
“The bottom part fits in my motorized Barbie jeep’s cup holders.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/2cb028a9cac46cf6397b0af916b3dbea.png)
Harper Brown, 11
“I’ve purchased 37 shares in Stanley parent company HAVI and am generating organic enthusiasm to juice future returns.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/23062b9cadc5518fa919986ccd853b96.png)
Cara Stone, 14
“My hormones may ruin my skin, hair, and body, but they cannot touch the sacred cup.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/a346139276a96287f7c3320603000620.jpg)
Avery Reichardt, 18
“Undiagnosed autism.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/8ef8ee328e3b2bfb85c4333e87803adf.png)
Zoë Campbell, 9
“I’m not actually a fan. I just put my big hand inside of one, and it got stuck. Then, I put my other big hand in another, because I thought that would help. But it just got stuck, too.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/be2428b3a26f2e4d6464e6cf6d607068.png)
Ava Whitmer, 12
“It’s a great place to carry around a mouse!”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/cbfab78a534d3147c324a19d630d7c92.jpg)
Alyssa Alva, 19
“It’s durable enough to act as a weapon in case I’m assaulted.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/982d40759c9ba00b14418063019778b3.png)
Olivia Sutton, 10
“Let us have our Stanley cups or we’ll join Moms of Liberty.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/c0b031adf8ee4d296bfe11dd16afef97.jpg)
Kimberlee Henderson, 34
“I’m trying to pass as a 7-year-old to get into museums for free.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/faa26203cba38337c617ecafa4ca7f0e.png)
Isabella George, 15
“Its impenetrable metal exterior is probably the best protection I have against a school shooter.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/ee2dc34528af07bd02b972e74ee51874.jpg)
Ava Tucker, 16
“No one would ever suspect I’m drinking 40 ounces of straight vodka from a tumbler.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/eb77e61d0ae3d6d91b4fc80c61b7a4e6.png)
Samantha Yount, 14
[whispering] “Wait that’s not a Stanley. She’s got some Walmart ripoff. Oh my gosh, ew. Why doesn’t she just go back to the trailer park already?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/818d11b4985948558030598728a5dec0.jpg)
Emma Flannery, 15
“My boyfriend actually says it’s super cool. And he’s 30.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/04f3febc562991765daf850d8e8854ee.png)
Kayleigh Brown, 10
“My birthmark is shaped exactly like a Stanley cup, and my former bullies now ritualistically worship at my feet.”