With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.
Nora Clampett, 7
“I don’t know, but ever since I caught Dad wrestling with Mom’s sister, he won’t stop buying me them.”
Stella Greenberg, 18
“Plain and simple, it’s a status symbol, much like the Webstaurant Store stainless steel mixing bowl, or the Solo heavyweight plastic spoon.”
Nicole Evans, 11
“Without a cup, water goes everywhere.”
Olivia Anderson, 10
“My prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed, so I am a slave to whatever consumerist fantasy is projected into my eyeballs.”
Jennifer Tisdale, 8
“I told my bitch mom that she could either get me this or lip fillers for my birthday.”
Rachel Guzmán, 12
“You didn’t hear this from me, but the next big thing is going to be a St. Mary’s class of ’98 coffee mug with half the graphics rubbed off.”
Kate Copeland, 17
“Every time I reach for one of the 35 Stanleys in my collection, I know I’m doing my part to save the environment.”
Sarah Wedig, 20
“It helps me meet my consumerism goals.”
Brooklynn Berger, 13
“We sell them to scrappers and send the money overseas to ISIS.”
Chloë Garrison, 18
“I love the variety of fun colors they come in, each of which represents a clandestine sex act.”
Taylor St. Onge, 8
“The bottom part fits in my motorized Barbie jeep’s cup holders.”
Harper Brown, 11
“I’ve purchased 37 shares in Stanley parent company HAVI and am generating organic enthusiasm to juice future returns.”
Cara Stone, 14
“My hormones may ruin my skin, hair, and body, but they cannot touch the sacred cup.”
Avery Reichardt, 18
“Undiagnosed autism.”
Zoë Campbell, 9
“I’m not actually a fan. I just put my big hand inside of one, and it got stuck. Then, I put my other big hand in another, because I thought that would help. But it just got stuck, too.”
Ava Whitmer, 12
“It’s a great place to carry around a mouse!”
Alyssa Alva, 19
“It’s durable enough to act as a weapon in case I’m assaulted.”
Olivia Sutton, 10
“Let us have our Stanley cups or we’ll join Moms of Liberty.”
Kimberlee Henderson, 34
“I’m trying to pass as a 7-year-old to get into museums for free.”
Isabella George, 15
“Its impenetrable metal exterior is probably the best protection I have against a school shooter.”
Ava Tucker, 16
“No one would ever suspect I’m drinking 40 ounces of straight vodka from a tumbler.”
Samantha Yount, 14
[whispering] “Wait that’s not a Stanley. She’s got some Walmart ripoff. Oh my gosh, ew. Why doesn’t she just go back to the trailer park already?”
Emma Flannery, 15
“My boyfriend actually says it’s super cool. And he’s 30.”
Kayleigh Brown, 10
“My birthmark is shaped exactly like a Stanley cup, and my former bullies now ritualistically worship at my feet.”
