Deciding not to become a parent is a deeply personal choice, but for some, it’s also the perfect excuse to start a loud and dumb conversation. If someone asks you why you don’t have kids, this is exactly what you should say.
“My genitals don’t work too good.”
Unless they’re a doctor, chances are they’re not going to want to hear about all your messed-up holes and tubes.
“I accidentally spilled the IVF dish.”
Many people don’t know it but clumsiness during in-vitro fertilization is actually the number-one cause of infertility in humans.
“The Bible says that anyone who has children will die in a blimp accident.”
No matter what, they’ll have to respect your devotion to religion.
“Until the Broncos find someone who can really excel at quarterback, I just don’t see them making a deep playoff run.”
Everyone knows that someone asking why you don’t have kids is really just a polite way of asking for your thoughts on the Denver Broncos.
“It’s not child-bearing season.”
A lot of people are completely unaware that the optimal time for birthing children is between April and August.
“I have bad aim at my wife’s vagina.”
People forget that it’s pretty easy to miss your partner’s vagina during intercourse while trying to conceive if you don’t know how to aim or where to put it.
“As a human, it is impossible to have children.”
Just hope they didn’t take biology in high school or else they may call you out on your bluff.
“I’m Casey Anthony, and my lawyer said I can’t talk to you.”
If you’re fortunate enough to be Casey Anthony, you will never have to answer this question.
“I left those annoying little shits in Palm Beach.”
Self-explanatory.
“We don’t want to make any extra work for Santa Claus.”
Anyone will appreciate and respect the empathy and thoughtfulness of this answer.
“I don’t have Instagram.”
The point of having a kid is to post every waking moment of their life on Instagram, so if you don’t have a profile, there’s not much use to bringing new life into this world.
“The family court’s ruling was final.”
A bit of an overshare but should prevent any further questions into your personal life.
“Or do I?!”
Then pull several children from your top hat to the delight of everyone watching.
“We’re still waiting to see how viable human space colonies are.”
You can never think too far ahead when it comes to family planning.
“I’m still too full from lunch.”
No one wants to have sex after a big sloppy meatball sub.
“I lost them in poker.”
Most parents will egregiously bet on a three of a kind on the turn and then lose to a full house.
“The war.”
This will rattle anyone who asks, making them instantly regret bringing up such a sensitive topic.
“Oh, my God! My kid!”
This simple answer allows you to exit the conversation and pretend to sprint away, screaming for your unattended child.
