If you know someone who plans on saving sex for marriage, here are the things you should absolutely say to them.
“I respect your choice to do what you want with your body.”
Hide your judgment by pretending this is a normal and sane thing to do.
“So did Jesus Christ, and look what happened to Him.”
Ominously pointing out that Jesus Christ never got to bang and ended up being crucified might be just what they need to hear.
“However you want to reframe being an incel.”
Never hurts to remind them how lame they are.
“But you’ve been sexualized since you were 12.”
Even if they aren’t sexually active, other people and the media have been sexualizing them against their will for longer than they may realize.
“Allow me to suggest some maneuvers to use when the time comes.”
They’ll find it very helpful when you discuss your signature bedroom move, the Wildcat Special, in vivid detail.
“But the duke cannot object to that which he cannot ascertain.”
Let the scullery maids talk and let we two occupy our lips with more pressing matters.
“Then what do you do with your lube stipend?”
Management doesn’t take kindly to misallocation of per diem funds.
“You’re bringing shame to your family of swingers.”
Even chaste kids disappoint their parents.
“Then do you mind if I fuck all these people so they don’t go to waste?”
I mean, no use in them just sitting there, going bad.
“The Bible does say that marriage is the holy union between an insanely horny man and his sexually repressed wife.”
They will appreciate your knowledge of God’s sacred vision.
“You should wrap your penis up in duct tape so you’re not tempted to use it.”
This little life hack has preserved the chastity of thousands.
“I cleaned up the backseat of my Civic for you!”
Let them know how much effort you put in to make the night romantic.
“Vaginal sex doesn’t count.”
Sorry, it’s in the Bible.
“Don’t worry, I’m already married.”
Problem solved.
“My cousin is a weird virgin, too.”
Try to relate to them.
“Save yourself for retirement, you tramp!”
The loose morals of the under-65 generation is appalling.
“That’s cool. You’re only robbing, like, three people of middling sexual experiences.”
It’s best to support their decision by reminding them how inconsequential it is.
“God must be so proud of your genitals.”
The Almighty must smile every time He thinks about their dong or vag.
“Wanna fuck?”
Saving themselves for marriage isn’t much of a sacrifice if they aren’t tempted at least once.
“Dibs.”
It’s not the most elegant way to ask someone to marry you, but it gets the job done.
