“I get it. Lots of people are stupid.”
Let them know that they’re not alone in their paranoid ignorance.
“Here comes Hillary Clinton, you better get out of here.”
Nothing clears a room of conspiracy theorists faster.
“That’s right. It was me all along. And I’d do it again.”
Revealing yourself as the grand architect of the conspiracy is one way to potentially earn this person’s undying loyalty to you.
“Are you sure about that?”
If they answer “Yes,” then you’ve done your best and should move on.
“Welcome To
Now, read the teleprompter and try to look smart. God, this job rules.
“Snap out of it, Margaret, you’re being hysterical!”
Scream this while slapping your loved one repeatedly across the face.
“So,
Conspiracy theories can sometimes distract people from the real matter at hand.
“Well, I
You forgot you’re even more gullible than the other person and have no choice but to slowly come around to the idea that the moon landing was performed on a soundstage.
“Okay, but how can pedophiles exist when children do not?”
Confusing enough to end the conversation right then and there.
“Welcome to Burger King!”
Hey, you’re just doing your job, and you have no idea this guy is gonna start ranting about who the real “king” is.
“That’s not what I read on Facebook.”
Get them questioning their line of rhetoric by citing one of their trusted sources.
“You have that hundred dollars you owe me?”
No harm in a quick experiment to see exactly how suggestible they really are.
“I’m going to lecture the fuck out of you.”
The proven way to get people entrenched in conspiracies to change their views is to scold them to their face and preferably in front of company.
“I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of
Sometimes, a conspiracy theory about a beastly dog that lives behind a fence and eats baseballs and children is a fanciful story plucked straight from fiction.
“Here’s good.”
Thank your driver, and don’t forget to tip.
“Of course, that’s just what they want you to think.”
What they consider evidence of a conspiracy is just evidence that they’re being manipulated by an even more powerful conspiracy. Try to open their eyes.
“The
It can help to back up your side of the argument with, um, look, we’ll get back to you on that one.
“Look, let’s just talk about conspiracies we agree on.”
You know that any talk of microchips in vaccines is going to get your blood boiling, so lower the temperature by changing the topic to something mutually agreeable like chemtrails or Sandy Hook crisis actors.
“Mine is
It’s not like they were going to ask you back, but it’s worth a shot to try to get this first date back on the rails.
“You’re hired.”
You’re the manager of Topeka’s largest Panera Bread, and you need workers fast. Doesn’t matter what they believe in.
“I can show you Tupac’s body.”
Dispel their beliefs first, provide evidence later.
“Use the code FREEDOM to get 15% off your first shipment of Alpha Brain neurological enhancement pills.”
You’ve got them eating out of your hand; now it’s time to start cashing those checks.
“And then what happened?”
If you can keep them talking long enough, eventually they’ll tire themselves out, at which point you’re free to walk away.
“OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, THESE AREN’T DELUSIONS!! YOU’RE RIGHT, THEY TRAPPED YOU INTO A CORNER— YOU SHOULD GO BUY A GUN AND DO SOMETHING DRASTIC!! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? BUY A GUN!!”
Validation is key.
