Catching your partner watching porn can be incredibly embarrassing. Fortunately, The Onion has provided a list of the perfect things to say to address the situation.
“We’re about to cut the cake if you want to come out and sing.”
A child only turns 5 once, you know.
“Orgasms are for losers.”
Truth hurts.
“But I thought I was the only horny MILF you needed.”
They repeatedly told you that you were the only horny MILF in their barely legal eyes. Are you not enough?
“Nobody’s actually that naked in real life.”
Porn perpetuates toxic, unattainable standards for how naked people really are when they have sex.
“I can’t believe you have premium and never told me.”
You two could have saved a lot of money if you hadn’t been paying for separate accounts this entire time.
“Frankly, I’m impressed you can still get hard anymore, you old sack of shit.”
Be honest about your feelings, perhaps before chasing him around the apartment and banging him on the head with a rolling pin.
“Honey, did you remember to jack off and jizz onto our good sheets like I asked you to?”
A gentle reminder never hurts.
“Is that the sex?”
You’ve heard of the sex before, but this is your first time seeing it.
“I know that guy!”
This will distract from the fact that the other person in the video is you.
“Could you please turn off the motion smoothing?”
It looks terrible.
“I guess someone doesn’t like the big box of pornography I got them for their birthday.”
You spent over $100 on those DVDs, and it’s pretty messed up he’s choosing PornHub over your thoughtfully selected present.
“So…how do that Pokémon and Sailor Moon actually know each other?”
While he’s staring at you in horror clutching his genitals, it’s good to clarify exactly how all of this works.
“This is okay, but I like their earlier stuff way better.”
Do you really want to continue dating someone who is into such derivative sex acts?
“For shame! Burn this sensational bunkum!”
Where did he even get this depraved tome? No respectable bookseller north of the Thames would stock Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
“She kind of looks like your cousin.”
You can learn a lot about your partner based on their decision to stop or continue.
“Is this business porn or pleasure porn?”
Totally cool if they’re watching porn for work. Otherwise, though, it’s betrayal.
“Those are boobies.”
Just in case they’re too shy to ask.
“Stop that. I’m trying to play
Their orgasm can wait until after a few rounds of Battle Royale.
“I’m sorry, but I have to call the police.”
Some may think of pornography as harmless fun, but the law is the law.
“You promised you’d wait for me to find out what happened to the horny lady and the pizza delivery guy.”
Were they going to sit there and watch it again with you and pretend to be surprised?
“I am in control of your sexual gratification, not you.”
Clearly articulating your personal boundaries is essential for a healthy relationship.
“Wait, that’s where the penis goes?!”
Though catching your partner watching porn can be uncomfortable, it can also be a learning experience.
“Who is that? I thought the other guy was her husband? Now, who is that guy?”
It’s okay to ask questions if you’re struggling to follow the plot.
