The mosquito-borne virus eastern equine encephalitis, also known as triple E, has led to voluntary lockdowns in multiple Massachusetts towns. The Onion answers all the important questions you have regarding the potentially deadly virus threatening the Northeast.
Q: Is this like another Covid?
A: No, every virus and pathogen is beautiful in its own way.
Q: How does it spread?
A: Through mosquito bites. Yes, just like the one you have on your ankle right now.
Q: What are its symptoms?
A: Mild itching around the bite, then a whole slew of god-awful neurological issues.
Q: Who is most at risk?
A: Those whom God has marked for death.
Q: Can the virus spread human-to-human?
A: Not yet, but America never backs down from a challenge.
Q: Is this that thing Mom was freaking out about?
A: No, that was mpox.
Q: Isn’t triple E technically an alphavirus?
A: Stop asking questions just to prove you know things.
Q: How can I protect myself from triple E?
A: If you see a mosquito, get loud and make yourself big to intimidate it.
Q: But what about all the good mosquitoes do for us?
A: That’s what makes this all so hard.
Q: Are there any other new ways to die on the horizon?
A: Let’s just say the hostile, entropic universe is cooking up a thing or two.
