Cassidy Hutchinson, an aide to then-President Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, testified this week before the House committee investigating the January 6 riots, offering new information about the actions of Trump and his inner circle that day. The Onion answers crucial questions about who Cassidy Hutchinson is and what she told the committee.
Q: Who is Cassidy Hutchinson? A: Honestly, at 25, she’s still figuring that out.
Q: What was her role in the White House?A: Correcting Trump that she wasn’t Hope Hicks.
Q: Why did she choose to testify? A: She’s an opportunist trying to kickstart a career as a professional witness.
Q: What did she reveal about Trump’s behavior? A: Her account suggests Trump may not have been the level-headed, rational leader most assumed him to be.
Q: Why didn’t Trump want weapons confiscated from his angry supporters before they marched on the Capitol?A: We’re still a few hearings away from piecing together his motivation.
Q: Is it true that Trump threw a meal at the wall?A: According to the FDA, the items eaten by Trump are not technically “meals.”
Q: What was with that far-off, distant look in Hutchinson’s eye during her testimony? A: She was imagining which actress will portray her in a movie three years from now.
Q: What’s next for Hutchinson? A: Scheduled to testify about former President DeSantis’ coup attempt during 2029 hearings.
Q: So Trump is definitely going to jail, right?A: Yes. History has proven that it’s always wise to get your hopes up.
Q: How should I feel about the fact she was on board with everything else Trump did up until the election? A: Just call her a hero and get on with your day.
