Here are the most genius things that Elon Musk told his employees during his first official all-hands meeting as “chief twit.”
“Let’s just remember that everyone likes me and I am very cool.”
Just what a likable cool guy would say.
“Ok, does anyone have $45 billion?”
Probably not, but worth asking just in case.
“Remember that no job is worth sacrificing your mental health.”
To be fair, Musk said this while rolling his eyes and pantomiming jerking off.
“The top priority right now is creating a task force to figure out who is being mean to me.”
Musk briefly tabled discussions surrounding verification and ad revenue to focus on identifying the accounts that are hurting his feelings.
“I just found out about GIFs. They’re like pictures, but they move. Do people know about this?”
Employees weren’t sure how to react when it became apparent that their CEO thought he had discovered GIFs.
“You know him from SpaceX and Tesla…. ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for ELON MUUUUUSK!”
He insisted on doing his own intro from backstage.
“If anyone from the FTC comes around, we’re a bakery.”
Just to be safe, Musk then held up a single cheese danish.
“My vision is for Twitter to limp along until maybe Christmas.”
After weeks of tumultuous changes, this was the inspirational pep talk many were waiting for.
“We’re planning to change the office layout to something that reflects the successful apartheid model I grew up with.”
Allowing employees to work from home reportedly made it far more difficult to separate them by race.
“Get her out of here!”
Musk fired a female employee who rejected him after being asked out in the middle of the meeting.
“Somebody please write down detailed instructions for how to work the projector in the conference room before you pack up your things.”
Musk was understandably disappointed about not getting to present the Powerpoint slideshow he spent all night adding sound effects and transitions to.
“Let these layoffs sink in.”
Employees reported that Musk was still holding the same sink he brought to Twitter HQ several weeks after his initial stunt.
“Bazinga! Bazinga! Bazinga! Bazinga! Bazinga! Bazinga!”
By an unofficial count, Musk repeated the Big Bang Theory catchphrase nearly 200 times in succession.
“Boy, I sure could go for some sexual harassment right about now.”
The Twitter CEO reportedly congratulated himself for a new personal record of going nearly 30 minutes without engaging in sexual harassment.
“We’re replacing the free food with a complimentary buffet of stimulants.”
Musk then opened his mouth and proceeded to chew up an entire bottle of Adderall.
“The population is dying and we only have tonight; let’s get busy.”
Musk attempted to end the meeting by inspiring his team to fornicate ferociously in order to repopulate the dying planet with his humble seed.
“Does anyone here want to buy Twitter?”
After several other unsuccessful attempts, he figured it was worth asking one last time.
“Let’s run this bitch into the ground.”
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
