With the season upon us, The Onion asked Americans to share what they dread the most about the holidays.
Timothy Vo (Bartender)
“The five to 10 pounds I put on every year. I just can’t resist that wrapping paper.”
Marcus Woodring (CEO)
“Laying off all my employees. I just know I’m going to get an earful.”
Santa Claus (Toy Distributor)
“My least favorite part is definitely molesting all the kids on the naughty list. But rules are rules.”
Shannon Brady (Mixologist)
“The decorations are way too spooky.”
Ingrid McLeod (Electrical Engineer)
“I hate waiting in the long lines for my turn to scream at a cashier.”
Luisa Serrano (Server)
“I hate making small talk with all the miserable orphans eating alone in my restaurant.”
Sara Reddick (Group Fitness Instructor)
“The carols, the food, the time spent with family–there’s only so much warmth and merriment a person can take.”
Dalton Ladehoff (Podiatrist)
“Wrapping presents. My wife always waits until the night before to get it done.”
Elisio Gonzales (Animal Control Officer)
“For my interfaith family, the holidays are always a battle between my mother’s pagan witchcraft and my father’s quasi-Christian doomsday cult.”
Alexa Rosas (Cashier)
“I work in retail, so probably all of the stores playing “Accidental Racist” nonstop.”
Ezekiel Elliott (Dallas Cowboys Running Back)
“Adding to my cumulative CTE.”
Pierce Myers (Retired)
“Trying to fax pieces of turkey to my grandson.”
Jenni Martinez (Dog Walker)
“I hate having to go visit my grandma over Christmas, which is why I never do it.”
Paige Carson (COO)
“Everyone’s smiling and buying presents and going to parties like the comScore for iChess dot net isn’t dropping as we speak.”
Nate Mathis (Mechanical Engineer)
“Every year I always get poisoned after eating the mistletoe and have to go to the hospital. But every year, the mistletoe looks more and more delicious. It’s a vicious cycle.”
Alyssa Smith (Highly Paid Girlboss Who Is Over Christmas)
“Everything about the holidays is overrated! All I care about is my career, and nothing will change my opinion, not even a special someone who will open my eyes to the magic of this time of year just when I least expect it!”
Mark Polanski (Data Entry)
“I hate having the horrifying realization that I’m still not happy when I’m off work, too.”
Zac Eaton (Pilot)
“I get into extra trouble during the holidays if I crash the plane.”
Frank Lusitano (Construction Worker)
“As is Italian tradition, my family decorates our Christmas tree with live-caught fish, and guess who’s gotta catch them all with his bare hands—Big Frankie.”
Andre Foster (Home Health Aide)
“My family always fighting over the ultimate long-term consequences of the Meiji Restoration.”
Leslie Darden (Engineer)
“Always having to remember the names of the new cousins. There are always new cousins, they arrive in the thousands, hordes of ravenous new cousins trampling down our driveway and knocking down the door, tracking mounds of mud into the house, upsetting the table, gobbling up all the food in the house, slurping down the wet meat, drinking the water until the taps run dry, defecating fiercely in the house toilets until they are so clogged that human excrement leaks onto the floor, then vanishing without a trace, never to be seen again.”
Troy Ratliff (Loan Officer)
“I just know people are going to complain about my very tasteful pre-nativity scene where Mary and Joseph conceive Jesus.”
Mistletoe (Ornament)
“Someone puts their penis through me at virtually every family gathering and I never find it funny.”
