Ok, that is it. I’m cutting the engines. We are not moving from this spot until one thing is made perfectly clear: Every single person aboard The Relaxer will wave exuberantly at anyone we pass or anyone who passes us, whether they are on shore or aboard another watercraft of any type, from cigarette boat on down to canoe. No exceptions.
If you cannot follow this one rule—a rule that everyone else out here on Keuka Lake seems to have no problem adhering to—then you can get the hell off my boat.
You know, I turned a blind eye when some of you chose to eschew the neon pink, tropical-themed beer koozies that I have provided both to keep your beverages cold and as an added signifier of summer fun. And I bit my tongue when you, Dave, boarded The Relaxer wearing jeans—jeans, for God’s sake. But to sit at the helm looking at your cow-like stares while I wave my heart out at a couple passing by on a Sea-Doo, well, that’s more than I can stand for.
You made me look like a fool. A goddamn fool! From this second forward, if you don’t wave, then I hope you can fucking swim.
Since most of you seem to be at a total loss as to appropriate leisure-time behavior aboard a vessel as fine as a 1999 Sea Ray 450 Sundancer, let me make this as explicit as possible. Waving unaccompanied by a loud “whoooooo!” or “paaarty!” is not waving. Waving with the hand in which you are holding a beer not only fails to qualify as waving, but is also tacky, rude, and, above all, lazy. If you are holding an infant, then I expect you to take the infant’s hand and move it around in such a way as to simulate the baby’s waving to the people we pass.
And if I catch any of you saluting, so help me God, I’ll back up over you with the propellers after I’ve thrown you overboard.
By the way, if you think that being on the wakeboard, or the water skis, or even the inner tube exempts you from waving, then you are dead wrong. Whatever is being towed by The Relaxer is an extension of The Relaxer, and you will therefore be expected to behave in a manner that reflects that. Now, I realize that in instances of choppy water, waving might compromise your balance, as well as your overall mobility. In these situations, I don’t necessarily expect you to wave. However, you goddamn better well be smiling, laughing, and generally showing people how much fucking fun we’re having.
And just so we’re absolutely crystal clear: Dragging your hand through the water while the boat is moving? You’re off the boat. Any utterance of “shiver me timbers”? You’re off the boat. Asking to drive? You’re off the fucking boat faster than you think is even—wait, hold on a second….
Whooooooo! Yeah! Paaaarty!
Now, we’re going to make three and a half more loops of the lake, and I expect to see you all waving and hollering at every man, woman, child, and dog we see. Waving and hollering like your goddamn lives depend on it. For some of you older passengers, it very well might. It’s a pretty long way to shore for someone with rheumatoid arthritis, Martha.
I sincerely hope all of you will be joining me when I dock at Froggy’s later for margaritas.
