Although there are plenty of reputable Covid testing sites that give fast, accurate results, there are also fraudulent ones that prey on unsuspecting customers and collect their private medical information. When choosing a Covid test site for yourself or your family, keep an eye out for the following warning signs.
The Test Administrators Keep Muttering ‘Sucker’ Under Their Breath
While there are always exceptions to the rule, if a medical professional scoffs and calls you a “sucker” under their breath, it’s usually a bad sign.
Allows An Upgrade To ‘Guaranteed Negative’ For An Extra $49.99
If a Covid testing site is actually a legitimate, government-backed enterprise, doctors will ask you to slip them at least $100 in cash.
There’s Just A Guy Inside Eating A Hoagie Who Tells You If You Have Covid By Looking At You
Your official diagnosis probably should be more scientific than “Ehh, you’re good.”
Workers Are Wearing Ghostbusters Suits
This is a dead giveaway that they probably just ran out of hazmat suits at the costume store.
Their Sign Says ‘Corn Cob’ Instead Of ‘Covid Testing’
Odds are you’re just visiting a corn vendor.
It’s Painted Onto The Side Of A Brick Wall
Unfortunately, most patients don’t realize it isn’t a licensed facility until they sprint to get a test, hit the wall with full force, and fall to the ground while little birdies fly around their head.
They Guarantee Results In 2 To 3 Years
Don’t trust any facility that promises to get back to you no later than 2025.
They Have A Giant Sign That Says ‘Not A Scam’
Oh yeah, these guys are good.
It’s In A Smoldering, Overturned Van
Rather than offer you a free Covid test, people at these sites will just bleed on your shoes and yell at you to go get help. Stay far away from whatever grift they’re up to!
They Pay You
Somehow you’ve been roped into someone’s nose fetish.
They Steal Your Keys And Break Into Your House During The Test
Usually a swab only takes about 10 seconds, so if they keep swabbing you for several hours, then something is up.
They Make You Lower Yourself Into The Testing Vat
That someone from the site isn’t lowering you themselves means they aren’t credentialed to operate a Covid test vat or handle the testing plasma within the vat.
Your Test Results Were Sent From The Email Address RealComapny1337@hotmail.com
No, don’t reply with your credit card information!
The Nasal Swab Was Some Chopsticks Wrapped In A Napkin
While it’s not always a red flag, it’s best to steer clear if you see a nurse using your nose swab to eat shrimp lo mein.
They Insist On Using An MRI Machine
And now all of a sudden your doctor is saying that you have an inoperable spinal mass? Nice try, hucksters.
It Has Received Thousands Of Dollars In Government Funding
Only a fool would entrust their health to a business with ties to the American government.
When You Ask For The Results, They Run Giggling Out Of The Room
That should be against the Hippocratic Oath or something.
The Site Administrators Promise To Turn Around Highly Accurate Test Results Within 24 Hours
Everything we’ve learned about Covid tests over the past two years would suggest this is impossible.
An Individual Behind The Testing Counter Demands $25 In Exchange For Two Tests
Oh, wait. You’re just in a Walgreens.
