WASHINGTON—Just hours after Friday’s passage of a 28th Amendment granting full voting rights to all U.S. citizens six years of age and older, renowned anti-evil organization RoboForce 5 announced its candidacy in the 1996 presidential election.
“RoboForce 5 has what it takes to lead America into the 21st century,” said Keith, the red-haired, sweater-wearing honor student, who in times of crisis utilizes the Cosmic Nexxon Crystal to become the famed Red Enforcer and leader of RoboForce 5. “We have defeated SkullTron in dozens of battles, and we will defeat Bill Clinton in November.” He then received wild applause upon uttering his popular catch phrase, “Roboforce, rock!”
Additional team members Jamaal, the Green Enforcer; Mae Wan, the Yellow Enforcer; Shelly, the Pink Enforcer; and Isaac, the Blue Enforcer, who is less macho than Keith but good with computers, agreed, shouting, “Ultra-Robo-Tiger, Activate!”
If the team is elected, it would be the first time a black, an Asian, and two women have ascended to the presidency.
Punctuating their remarks with angular, jerking motions of their arms and legs, and striking new poses just before and after each spoken line, the five members of the super-powered, spandex-clad martial arts squad cited their strong record in foiling attempts to destroy humanity as a unique qualification for a joint inauguration to the office of president in January.
Added Jamaal: “Math is fun!”
Despite never having held public office, RoboForce 5 has been instrumental in many crises of national security, all of which involved enormous alien lifeforms sent to Earth on missions of destruction by intergalactic tyrant SkullTron. Using its color-coded, animal-themed flying vehicles, which join to create a larger humanoid robot, the team has repeatedly defeated the space tyrant.
Pink Enforcer Shelly also pointed out that RoboForce 5, the official presidential candidate of the FoxKids Action Afternoon Party, has already stimulated the U.S. economy through sales of millions of dollars worth of toy merchandise over the past three years as a leading multi million-dollar product-licensing conglomerate.
Stressing the strong need for an economy in which “children everywhere can afford to buy as many RoboForce comic books, dolls, action vehicles, playsets and coloring sets as possible,” Shelly pledged that, if elected, RoboForce 5 would support an across-the-board 35 percent increase in allowances, as well as a referendum to move bedtime ahead one hour.
She then performed a double-gainer backflip and shouted, “It’s time to give theGNP a RoboMatic neutron power blast!”
Despite the dark-horse nature of the RoboForce candidacy, the passage of the amendment hasmajor-party candidates on the defensive. “I ask you, RoboForce 5, why is SkullTron still in power?” Republican candidate Bob Dole said in a speech yesterday. “Bob Dole will teach space villains that nobody threatens America’s security… not Lord VorTex, not Darkron, not anybody.”
President Clinton reacted strongly as well at a stump speech in Macon, GA, Monday, stressing his strong support of anti-crime measures and proposing a freezo-ray that would imprison fleeing criminals in a block of ice.
Despite the mudslinging of major party opponents, no one is more hostile to the Roboforce campaign than its longtime foe, SkullTron, Overlord of Xenon. “So… RoboForce 5 wants to be in the presidential race, eh?” SkullTron said to reporters yesterday without visibly moving his mouth. “Ha! I’ll show them a real race! A race for their lives!”
The rubbery villain then punched a series of buttons on his metallic wristguard, materializing a stiff-limbed, latex-covered Gigantor Beast with a blast of blue-screen video effects.
Though none of SkullTron’s previous creations have ever injured a member of Robo-Force, he insisted: “My Gigantor will surely destroy them all… and Earth will be mine!”
SkullTron then closed the press conference, saying, “If there are no further questions, that should do it. Restrooms are just past the side exits and to your left.”
At press time, it was unclear whether RoboForce 5 had been destroyed, sealing SkullTron’s dominance over the cosmos. More information is expected tomorrow, at the same time and on the same channel.
