Vengeful José Andrés Seals Screaming Russian Soldiers Into Enormous Empanada

KHARKIV, UKRAINE—Exacting swift and merciless retribution for the missile strike on his World Central Kitchen outpost, celebrity chef José Andrés was reportedly spotted Tuesday enclosing several terrified Russian soldiers within the pastry case of an enormous empanada. “Providing meals to displaced civilians during wartime is a vital humanitarian undertaking, and now you charity-bombing ratas are going to help me feed refugees whether you like it or not!” said the frenzied restaurateur, who cackled as he forcefully shoved handfuls of diced onions and potatoes into the men’s wailing mouths, coldly ignoring their muffled exhortations for forgiveness as they struggled in vain against the sprigs of aromatic parsley binding their wrists and ankles. “What’s wrong? Thought you could destroy my kitchen without becoming a piquant modern twist on a classic Spanish recipe? Cowards. Cry that tablespoon of smoked paprika and half cup of pitted green olives out of your eyes and look at me. Look at me! I want my face to be the last thing you see before I crimp that dough shut in a pleasing scalloped pattern and send you to hell in a 425 degree oven for 30 minutes or until golden-brown.” At press time, Andrés was seen manically plunging a large kitchen knife through the pastry’s top to ensure the Russian soldiers’ screams vented properly.