Ultra-processed foods are a category of foods that includes frozen pizzas, sodas, and sweetened breakfast cereals. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding ultra-processed foods.
MYTH: Ultra-processed foods contain few nutrients.
FACT: Ultra-processed foods are rich in simple carbohydrates, sodium, and trans fats.
MYTH: Ultra-processed foods have little value.
FACT: It’s impossible to quantify how much fun eating chips off your fingertips is.
MYTH: Homemade versions are always healthier than ultra-processed alternatives.
FACT: You use two sticks of butter in your spaghetti recipe.
MYTH: Foods with long ingredient lists should be avoided.
FACT: It’s best to just give up and acclimate yourself to a future of freeze-dried, bunker-stable food now.
MYTH: Multiple studies have linked ultra-processed foods to depression.
FACT: Most people are perfectly capable of developing depression regardless of what they eat.
MYTH: The human body needs 10 servings of salted meats a day.
FACT: Dear Lord, no! This explains a lot, but still, dear Lord.
MYTH: Some ultra-processed foods are actually good for you.
FACT: No, hon. You cannot just have Oreos for dinner.
MYTH: Ultra-processed foods lead to heart disease.
FACT: You gotta die of something.
