On Feb. 24, 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine. The Onion interviewed Ukrainians and asked them to reflect on the first 100 days of war. This is what they said.
Nadiya Lubov (Waitress)
“Not sure how I feel. It’s my first nonstop artillery bombardment, so I don’t have much to compare it to.”
Andriy Kovalenko (Chef)
“My Fitbit hit 700,000 steps.”
Emilia Kovaleva (Teacher)
“We have a rigid algebra curriculum to stick to, and that hasn’t changed.”
Ivan Adamovich (Consultant)
“A hundred days?! My Casper mattress trial period is up, and I barely got a chance to use it!”
Grigoriy Levitz (Roofer)
“We’ve got this surplus of grain, so naturally we’re all wearing bread these days.”
Vlad Mir (Construction Worker)
“So cold. So, so cold. But it’s Ukraine, so that’s always been the case.”
Dmitry Tkachuk (Local Politician)
“It’s very annoying to wake up each morning and engage yet another assassin in hand-to-hand combat.”
Nina Zhukova (Student)
“We lost our home and have been surviving on hardly anything. But I do feel completely denazified from head to toe!”
Halyna Melnyk (Influencer)
“Shifting to document the horrors of war is exactly the kind of refresh my timeline needed.”
Olga Povova (Professor)
“My boyfriend and I did need some time apart.”
Guzaliya Ermolaeva (Receptionist)
“If Americans bought even one Ukrainian flag bumper sticker, it will all have been worth it.”
Volodymyr Zelensky (President)
“I was on the Grammys!”
Masha Pozhar (Nurse)
“I still have trouble sleeping. I can’t stop worrying for the future of global oil markets.”
Mykola Alekseev (Soldier)
“I swear I’m actually a line cook, but someone handed me a gun and told me I was so brave.”
Petro Lubarsky (Civil Engineer)
“Honestly, I haven’t really been paying attention. We’ve all just been so worried about Johnny Depp.”
Bohdan Babenko (Architect)
“To be fair, we’re a little to blame for wanting to exist on the planet and stuff.”
Zlata Shvets (Store Manager)
“I got resettled in Canada, so now I get to watch my country die on TV like everyone else.”
Tetyana Vovk (Seamstress)
“It is very good feeling to know the world has united to wave goodbye to us.”
Oleg Karpenko (Taxi Driver)
“On the bright side, I’ll be dead before I have to live through another hundred.”
