U.S. To Offer Tax Incentives To Companies That Do Not Openly Make World Worse At Every Turn

WASHINGTON—A growth-stimulus package introduced in Congress Thursday aims to provide tax incentives to companies that do not openly and unapologetically make the world a worse place than it already is. “We want to encourage American businesses not to commit blatantly destructive or fraudulent acts in plain sight where everyone can find out about them and get upset,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. “We all understand that companies need to stay competitive: Maybe you had to cut a few corners on safety and accidentally released thousands of gallons of toxins into the water supply, or maybe you skillfully exploited regulatory loopholes to dupe your customers out of every dollar possible. That’s okay. As long as you make a reasonable effort to cover it up, you’re still eligible for this tax credit.” According to congressional sources, companies that openly make the world worse can continue to apply for the same tax breaks they’ve always gotten.