U.S. Responds To Rising Sea Levels By Patting East Coast With Towels

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the effects of climate change, federal authorities responded to rising sea levels by patting the East Coast with towels, sources confirmed Friday. “Now more than ever, it is important that we take action to protect our coastlines with ultra-absorbent linens,” said FEMA administrator Deanne Criswell, who confirmed that the agency had dispatched teams across the region to mitigate any potential damage by wadding up, rolling up, and spreading towels across its beaches. “We’re proud to unveil this as the greatest U.S. climate change initiative to date. Simply giving everything a good patting down will preserve and even create miles of coastlines that we didn’t previously have. Plus, feel—they’re super soft.” At press time, authorities were scrambling to respond to the crisis caused by the unprecedented concentrations of mildew in the air.