U.S. Fish And Wildlife Service Reintroduces Straw Hat-Wearing Boys To Old Fishin’ Holes

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the previously endangered creatures to their natural habitat, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service announced Friday a widespread effort to reintroduce straw hat-wearing boys to old fishin’ holes. “These winsome, sunburned, overall-clad specimens—a rural variety of the common urchin—saw their numbers plummet in the wake of the Industrial Revolution. We hope we can finally restore the population to its former glory,” a statement from USFWS Acting Director Greg Sheehan read in part, explaining that the creature is native only to certain parts of the United States and can be identified by its floppy and often frayed straw hat, the stalk of wheat dangling from the side of its grinning mouth, and its high-pitched, carefree whistle. “Their presence will help bring about a balance to the whole ecosystem, as the boys are natural predators to many other creatures around the fishin’ hole. In the years since the boys’ decline, we’ve seen a sharp increase in both the invasive prized jumpin’ bullfrog population and the frequency of big ol’ lunker sightings. Hopefully, it won’t be long before we can see these barefoot wonders ambling naturally around swamps and swimmin’ holes across the nation.” Sheehan added that, if these efforts proved successful, the USFWS would launch a program encouraging rambunctious little girls to climb America’s neglected cottonwood trees while still in their good church clothes.