U.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy

WASHINGTON—Signaling investors that the U.S. economy would be running hot for the foreseeable future, the Federal Reserve reportedly caused the market to rally Friday after releasing a long list of all the fun stuff money can buy. “Speedboats, video games, ice cream with sprinkles, Rolex watches, Blu-ray box sets,” said Fed Chair Jerome Powell, who, during a presentation that sent stock indexes and consumer confidence skyrocketing, donned a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses still bearing their price tag and lifted up a tote bag filled to the brim with what he described as “just a few of the kickass things anyone can go buy whenever.” “Nunchucks. Air Jordans. Cars—nice cars, too. Not just crappy used ones. Cheeseburgers. Helicopter rides, if you’ve got enough cash. A nice seersucker suit. Huge TVs. Just huge. Big subwoofer. Robot vacuum cleaner. You can even buy porn with it! Anyone can do it. They don’t stop you.” At press time, reports confirmed Powell’s speech had caused several dozen Americans to be trampled to death as the stampeding nation attempted to get all the awesome stuff.