Two Still Dead In Mausoleum Collapse

SAVANNAH, GA—Unable to revive the crushed, skeletal remains pulled from the rubble, first responders confirmed Wednesday that two people were still dead after a local mausoleum collapsed. “Upon sifting through the debris, we unfortunately found no survivors among the already deceased,” said rescue worker Brandon Reinhardt, explaining that by the time EMTs arrived on the scene, the crypt’s occupants had already been dead for over 150 years. “We rushed to the scene as quickly as possible, but the victims, Horace P. Wingart and wife, continued to be unresponsive. It appears they were unable to escape, and this remained the case after the collapse caused several large blocks of granite to fall on their coffins.” Local officials confirmed the next of kin had been located in an adjacent grave plot and notified.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper