Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department

WASHINGTON—Receiving a Cabinet-level appointment that surely would have made his old man proud, little Eugene Scalia—you know, Antonin’s boy—has been selected by President Trump to serve as the nation’s new labor secretary, sources confirmed Thursday. “I always knew little Geney from down the block was destined for big things, just like his pops, but wowzah, he’s really doing it!” said Scalia family friend Irene McIntyre, who claimed no one from the old neighborhood ever imagined that the little boy who used to drink malts with his dad at the soda fountain would grow up to run a department that administers federal laws and regulations covering 160 million American workers. “That little guy sure has come a long way since he broke the window of the rectory at St. Cecilia’s playing stickball. He’s going to cut an awfully handsome figure walking down Pennsylvania Avenue in that suit his gran got pressed and starched for him.” Sources added that Scalia was a chip off the old block and would do everything in his power to put corporate interests first and strip away the rights of workers, just like his father.