While most trolls are primarily confined to the worst corners of the internet, some, like Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), live to wreak havoc in the real world. The Onion asked trolls, shitposters, and internet provocateurs why they love the controversial congressman, and this is what they said.
Brett Leon, Lawyer
“All the love I don’t give to my parents, siblings, wife, and children has to end up somewhere, right?”
Hank Timms, Retail Worker
“He’s an inspiration to anyone who’s ever dodged credible accusations.”
Brad Rippert, Pharmacist
“People say all he does is obstruct, but he also erodes.”
Kyle Bowery, Defense Attorney
“That little creep made me rich.”
Greg Landy, Personal Trainer
“You can’t help but admire someone who wants to get absolutely nothing accomplished.”
Richard Smith, Welder
“He’s an inspiration to anyone who feels like it would be fun to get lots of attention.”
Miriam Connell, Consultant
“Most Republicans are too stuck up and cowardly to engage in sex trafficking.”
Boyd Arnold, Mechanic
“I love how he totally owns the libs, the moderates, most conservatives, and anyone trying to functionally govern.”
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX)
“People hate him so much, they’ve completely forgotten about me.”
Chris Allison, AI Developer
“He’s an inspiration to every 40-year-old single guy who dreams of sleeping with teenagers.”
Wes Ramsey, Assistant
“He’s that perfect mix of doing nothing and fucking everything up.”
Mark Phillips, Political Activist
“We Holocaust deniers are a tight group!”
Jim Rollins, Mechanic
“It’s refreshing to find someone who doesn’t take the governance that touches every corner of our lives so seriously.”
Jake Wheelan, High School Senior
“We have the same taste in girls.”
Andrea McGuire, Surgeon
“He has the confidence and bravado to commit crimes that I only dream of.”
Randy Holmes, Car Audio Installation
“My coworkers are also cool with me dating a high schooler.”
Peter Stevenson, Warden
“Consequences don’t exist for either of us.”
