Media Announces They Will Not Stop Covering Afghanistan Until Biden Wears Scarf

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing their dedication to informing readers about the current turmoil of the region, the media announced Tuesday that they would not stop covering Afghanistan unless President Biden happens to wear a scarf. “Of course, our goal right now is covering the abject failure of the Afghanistan withdrawal, but if the president were ever to wear a silk or even a wool scarf to a press conference, we would immediately switch our focus,” said CNN media correspondent Brian Stelter, stressing that should the day ever come that Biden appeared outside the White House in a cashmere scarf, they would drop all stories about Afghanistan and instead devote their best reporters and photojournalists to documenting the scarf’s origins and precise meaning. “Then, and only then, will we transition our 24-hour news coverage from the ravages of the Taliban to discussing exactly what a scarf says about the changing face of American masculinity, and indeed, whether a scarf-wearing president is appropriate. Needless to say, we would never mention the threats against Afghan women again if Biden wore a slightly interesting-colored tie or a pair of shoes we hadn’t seen before. These could be some of the most important issues of the midterm, after all.” Stelter added that the media would almost certainly also devote several hours daily to discussing what sort of knot that Biden had used to tie the scarf.