Thanks to better medical care and higher quality of life, human beings are living longer than ever. However, longevity is determined by more than just your genes and living conditions. Here are some things that you can do to extend your lifespan:
Avoid overeating by unplugging your refrigerator, locking it up, and throwing it into a gorge between each meal
Cut car accidents out of your routine as much as possible
Pet owners have demonstrably longer lifespans than those who live without furry friends, so enslave as many small mammals as your schedule and budget allow
Stretch after taking a shower for some reason
Be sure to balance your intake of healthy and unhealthy cigarettes
Studies show that spiritual people live longer. Be spiritual, but not so spiritual that you think you’ll actually get eternal life after this. This is it.
Eat 1,273 carrots
Staying positive can greatly increase one’s lifespan, so try to maintain an outlook that flies directly in the face of pretty much everything that ever happens
Lastly, ask yourself if living longer is something you really want to do to the rest of your family
