Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history:
450 million years ago: First Extinction: A bunch of dumb fish die
450 million years ago-360 million years ago: Pretty smooth sailing, all things considered
360 million years ago: Second Extinction: Following the eradication of 96 percent of all life, planet’s surviving bacteria really living it up
250 million years ago: Third Extinction: Despite dire warnings of many within the scientific community, increasingly alarming assertions that another mass extinction could be imminent are largely ignored by dinosaur community
205 million years ago: Fourth Extinction: End of winged crocodile species that would have blown your fucking mind
65 million years ago: Fifth Extinction: Last living dinosaur on earth walks around confusedly for a few days before falling into a ravine
20 million years ago: God dies
1500 BCE: First inkling human beings might be plowing through every single species in path
1992 CE: Kyoto Protocol tossed into path of oncoming extinction
2010 CE: British Petroleum announces yearly earnings of $29.5 billion
2015 CE: Town of Stonington, CT holds little recycling drive
2200 CE: Sixth Extinction: Centuries of unchecked human activity wipe out 99.9 percent of all remaining species on earth; flora and fauna who are free from sin ascend to heaven
2200 CE-800 million CE: Horseshoe crab racked with survivor’s guilt
