Former President Donald Trump survived a shocking attempt on his life at a Pennsylvania campaign rally, sustaining only minor injuries. The Onion takes a look back on the history of assassinations and attempted assassinations in the United States.
1795: George Washington is strangled by his identical twin, Greg, who then secretly assumes his brother’s identity.
1910: A plot to overwhelm William Howard Taft’s arteries with an extravagant buffet backfires when political rivals are saddled with a $1,000 dinner bill.
1964: Herbert Hoover is cut down by the most deadly assassin, time.
1981: John Hinckley Jr. bungles his attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan so badly he turns Jodie Foster gay.
2000: The Supreme Court votes 5-4 to shoot Al Gore.
2002: Rold Gold pretzels take a shot at President George W. Bush but fail to overpower the Heimlich maneuver.
2008: We’re counting the shoe thing.
3752: A rebel from Alpha Centauri sneaks into Mar-a-Lago and drains half the vitality fluid from Emperor Trump’s tank before being caught.
