Kamala Harris’ decision to select Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz as her running mate has galvanized Democratic voters. The Onion takes a look at Walz’s rise from Army National Guard member to potential vice president of the United States.
1867: Great-great-grandfather emigrates from Germany well outside the window of concern.
1981: Joins the Army National Guard, where he is trained in holding doors open for people no matter how far away they are.
1989: Teaches abroad in China for one year as cover for his sleeper agent training.
1993: Begins dating future wife Gwen after successfully guessing her weight, height, and age at the county fair.
1999: Leads Mankato West High School’s Gay-Straight Alliance to their first Minnesota state championship.
2006: Leaves the teaching profession to pursue a far less stressful career in politics.
2012: Wins annual turkey chili cook-off by largest margin in state history.
2018: Wins governorship with the campaign slogan “Everyone take some leftovers—come on, I’m making you a plate.”
2019: Lists “dog, cat”’ as sole assets on financial disclosure form.
2024: Uses first speech as Harris’ running mate to remind nation to get their oil changed.
