The Onion asked influencers how they felt about the looming TikTok ban in the United States, and this is what they said.
Bryce Hall
“Please don’t ban it. I don’t exist outside of my TikTok videos. Once they go unplayed, I’ll turn into vapor and won’t re-form for a thousand years.”
Brent Rivera
“You’re going to have to make sure you ‘like’ and follow me for part two.”
Addison Rae
“I can’t move to China. I don’t even know how to dance in Chinese.”
Jiffpom
“Singling out TikTok over other platforms with similar data privacy issues raises uncomfortable questions about xenophobia that the American public is, frankly, not prepared to answer.”
Loren Gray
“Hopefully someone uses TikTok to kill a bunch of schoolchildren so it becomes one of those things we’re not allowed to legislate.”
Dixie D’Amelio
“Please, this can’t happen. My dad told me that if I ever stop dancing he’ll activate the radio chip that makes my heart explode.”
Emma Chamberlain
“Anything that smothers the careers of the little babies trying to come up and steal my crown is okay by me.”
Pope Francis
“Without TikTok, I’d be no one.”
Yung Gravy
“But if they get rid of TikTok, I’ll have to try and make a living with nothing more than my Ph.D. in biochemical engineering from Stanford!”
user98392019374
“user98392019374 fans will find a way through this. They always do.”
Logan Paul
“I didn’t even get banned when I filmed the suicide forest, or faked my own murder, or scammed thousands of children in every video.”
Baby Ariel
“But how will I know how I look in a pair of Zara jeans without my followers telling me ???????? ????or ?????????????”
Jordan Peterson
“Dance is my life. That moment when the music hits is the only time I’m truly me. If I can’t dance for a living, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
JoJo Siwa
“If it’s banned, we will give our data directly to the Chinese Communist Party out of spite.”
MrBeast
“I’m planning on expressing my concerns to President Biden during our one-on-one sit down next Tuesday.”
Charli D’Amelio
“Just another example of our gerontocratic leaders failing to understand that the proverbial battle lines of the internet are generative, not consumptive; heuristic, not interrogative.”
Bella Poarch
“Good thing I already made an incalculable amount of money.”
