SOCHI, RUSSIA—With the most high-profile competition of their careers just weeks away, thousands of athletes who will ultimately disgrace and embarrass their respective home countries are eagerly completing their training for the 2014 Winter Olympics, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Carrying the hopes and dreams of their nations, these men and women reportedly continue to rise before dawn every day to engage in rigorous workouts while unaware that nearly all of them will soon humiliate both themselves and their homeland in front of every nation on earth.
“I’m so thrilled to have qualified for Sochi, but I know I really need to maintain my focus these last few weeks,” said Pavel Navitski of Belarus, a luger and, according to sources, one of many, many Olympians whose family and friends will shun him for years, if not the rest of his life, after he completely strips his country of its pride on the world’s biggest stage. “It’s been a tough road, but I’ve been working toward this goal my whole life, and I know it will all be worth it in the end.”
“I’m honored to be representing Belarus,” the future public disgrace added.
Reports indicated that while millions of their countrymen look on with bated breath, these athletes will experience a deep, burning shame as they finish milliseconds behind in races, barely miss slalom gates, and land inches short on ski jumps, crushing the collective spirits of their native lands. The names of these participants, hundreds upon hundreds of whom will not even make it to the semifinals of their events, will soon become, and forever remain, euphemisms for disappointment, defeat, and incompetency in their countries of origin, sources added.
With athletes still fine-tuning their skills through obsessive training regimens and endless practice runs, observers noted that the footage of their soon-to-arrive deflating moments will be constantly replayed during the lead-up to every subsequent Winter Olympics as a reminder of their dishonor.
“These young men and women have dedicated so much of their lives to competing in these games, and we’re all very excited to see their hard work pay off,” said U.S. ski trainer Adam Yang, referring to the collection of individuals whose failure and shame will immortalize them as despised figures amongst those who once trumpeted them as heroes and held them up as exemplars of personal dedication and sacrifice. “Now they get to go out, compete, and enjoy the spirit of the Olympic Games.”
“It really is wonderful,” he added.
After training a minimum of six hours a day for more than a decade, and with the self-respect of an entire nation hinging upon them, many of those competing at Sochi will suffer utter embarrassment and fall into permanent disrepute as the result of a single error in their performance, sources confirmed, and they will never again find the courage to take on another challenge of any kind, athletic or otherwise, as long as they live.
Longstanding stains upon the dignity of their native lands, these has-been Olympians will reportedly live out the remainder of their days as alcoholic recluses.
“I’ve given all I can give to get to this point,” said Israeli figure skater Rebekah Abramovich, who, at 15, is young enough that she may, after completely disgracing herself in Russia, have the opportunity to humiliate herself all over again at the 2018 Winter Games in South Korea, as heartbreaking as that sounds. “And now I’m just going to go out there and do my best.”
“I’ve been dreaming of this moment since I was a little girl,” she added.
