‘Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,’ Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket

YARMOUTH, MA—Shaking their heads in dismay at the clueless couple’s child-rearing difficulties, onlookers speculated Thursday that a husband and wife trying to screw their infant son into a light bulb socket must be first-time parents. “Boy, I know there’s a learning curve for raising a kid, but it doesn’t make it any easier to see first-time parents struggling with the basics like this,” said onlooker Jeffrey Garrett, cringing as he watched the wide-eyed, panicking husband strain to push his newborn’s head into the open socket before waving away his wife’s suggestion that they just try plugging the girl into a wall outlet. “I don’t want to be the jerk that goes over there and tells them they’re doing it all wrong, but man, oh man, this is just such a classic mistake. I knew from the second I walked up and saw them swaddling that little guy in an electrical cord that they were way out of their depths.” At press time, onlookers were nodding in approval after the parents had learned from their mistakes and soothed the squirming infant by giving her a spark plug to suckle.