While it can be fun or playful to send titillating messages and photos to a partner, it’s important to have some guardrails. Here’s what you should never say while sexting.
“Good morning. You are scheduled to receive a picture of my junk. Please, reply 1 to confirm that you are horny. Reply 2 to reschedule.”
It’s redundant. They already confirmed via email.
“Sorry, I’m all out of cum tonight. I have a fresh shipment arriving Wednesday, though, if you’re interested.”
Wednesday isn’t soon enough. Your lover needs cum now!
“I give you scratchies behind the ear and rub your big belly.”
Fine to say later on, but you need to pace yourself. Starting with something as hot and heavy as this right away will make them blow their load immediately.
“Are those nipples? What is that, a knee? Wait—am I supposed to look at this sideways?”
All close-up mounds of flesh are equally sexy, so it shouldn’t matter what exactly you’re looking at.
“I’d probably ejaculate pretty quickly and then stand in front of the fridge nude while chugging blue Gatorade.”
You don’t have to be completely honest when they ask what you’d be doing if you two were together right now.
“I am excited to begin the holy act of Christian procreation between a man and a woman with you.”
Please, for the love of God, don’t send this without a photo of a promise ring.
“I am an asexual sea sponge.”
Then why are you sexting!?!
“I cut down on my phone bill substantially by sexting you with T-Mobile.”
It’s hotter to build up slowly to a sales pitch instead of diving right in.
“I masturbate my elbows as you slowly lick the inside of your fingernail.”
This is just going to give away that you don’t know what sex is.
“Siri, insert eggplant emoji. I said, Siri, insert eggplant emoji.”
This is not how you want to reveal to the woman you met online that you are actually 63 years old.
“HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA.”
Once is fine, but resist the urge to copy and paste this response to everything the other person says.
“C: creative. U: understanding. M: magical!”
Poetry is best shared face-to-face.
“Perhaps my penis should enter your vagina in a way that brings pleasure to us both?”
It’s important to check in with your lover first to make sure they enjoy pleasure.
“Please sign and return the attached PDF.”
Don’t send a nondisclosure agreement without first looping your attorney into the chat.
“*~*~*~ “I walk a lonely road / The only one that I have ever known. ~*~*~*”
You are confusing sexts with AIM away messages again.
“Hey, I just got out of the shower, slipped, and cracked my head open on the bathroom sink. Want to see?”e
Don’t ask, just send that pic!
“Hey, just so we’re clear, remind me what cum is again?”
You need to do your research before you begin sexting.
“I’m going to lick you like a child licks an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. One of those halcyon days, back when everything was beautiful, everything was free. Before we started to grow older, and saw the world’s true nature: bleak, gray, and disappointing. Now here we sit, hoping to ignite something resembling joy, but what we know is just a pleasurable opiate, sedating ourselves against the abject horror of existence.”
Actually, this is super hot.
“I am 14 years old!”
You should tell your parents what this man who found you on Roblox has been saying.
“Not through speeches and majority decisions will the great questions of the day be decided, but by iron and blood.”
It comes across as a little cheesy to quote Otto von Bismarck’s famous 1862 Blood and Iron speech
“Gimme just one sec, gotta finish doing CPR on this unconscious guy!”
Typically, it’s considered unprofessional to sext at work.
“If for every time you cum, I cum four and a half times plus two times, then how many times did I cum if you came six times?”
It’s way too hard to do algebra while jerking off.
“Who is a horny baby? You are. You are! Coochie coochie coo!”
Not only is this wrong on so many levels, but if they are turned on by this, it’s probably illegal.
“I love you.”
You’re a liar, just like everyone else! You wouldn’t be saying that if you hadn’t met someone else you like more, you fucking cheating piece of shit. Well, just know there will be blood on your hands when they kill themselves.
“Mom, can you pick me up from soccer practice?”
Keep it in your pants, pervert! She’s your mother!
