When letting an evil, bloodthirsty monster into your home to serve as your pet, it never hurts to be prepared. Here are the things every cat owner wished they’d known before adopting.
Biting The Fuck Out Of You
A large part of cat ownership is simply accepting the fact that these furry little assholes can and will plunge their fangs into you for no goddamn reason.
How Much You’ll Miss Catching Your Own Rodents And Small Birds
Sure, it’s convenient to have a cat around to do this errand for you, but you’ll come to actually miss hunting mice and squirrels at twilight.
They’re Soft
Those looking for a hard or sharp kind of pet are in for a rude awakening.
People Will Use This One Simple Fact About You To Lazily Buy You Basic Cat-Themed Gifts For The Rest Of Your Life
This is your new reality, so it’s best to start practicing feigned enthusiasm early.
90% Of Cats Fail To Turn A Profit In The First Year
Count yourself lucky if your cat is generating income by its second birthday.
There Is Not A Huge Market For Underground Cat Fights
Sorry, you’re better off with a chicken or pit bull.
They Will Try To Eat You If You Die
If you want any chance at an open casket funeral, you better make sure your corpse is discovered within 24 hours.
Noses
Many prospective owners choose to adopt a cat because they are excited to play with its long, hose-like nose, only to realize after the fact that they were actually thinking of an elephant.
All Cats Are Dead
Although cats may seem like playful, alert companions, their movements are actually spasms typical of recently deceased animal corpses.
Cats Fought For Apartheid In South Africa
If you want to get along with your new cat, you’re better off not mentioning the human rights abuses that occurred during the decades-long apartheid regime.
Purring
Many cat owners think that purring is a sign that a cat is relaxed and happy, but it actually means you’ve activated The Omega Device.
Afternoon Tea
Young cats require stimulation, which is why you should serve them afternoon tea every day at 4 p.m. with scones and jam.
Loyalty
You picked the wrong pet, buddy.
Stress Can Make Cats Sick
It’s important to curb your cat’s stress by limiting their time around you.
Penmanship
Cats have exquisite handwriting, but you may only find this out after they have passed off several thousand dollars in fraudulent checks.
If Anyone In Your Household Is Allergic
Should your partner have pet allergies, adopting a cat is a great opportunity for them to prove how much they love you.
It’s Important To Reciprocate Gifts
When your cat drags in the corpse of a rat or bird it recently killed, the polite thing to do is have it stuffed and mounted as a trophy.
Cats Are Fluent In Ukrainian
You shouldn’t worry when you hear it being spoken in hushed tones throughout the night.
Rough Tongue
Cats evolved to have tongues that are rough, like sandpaper, to prevent you from making out with them, you sicko.
Return Policy
Jesus, what’s wrong with you?
