Have you noticed there are a lot of TV shows set in crazy offices nowadays? Well, I was watching one of them the other night—I think it was the one about the newspaper—when a thought occurred to me: They should do a sitcom about our crazy office!
Believe me, those offices on television pale in comparison to what goes on over here at Tri-State Consolidated Distributing. Our office is so full of crazies, I call it the loony bin!
You know that ditzy redhead on Suddenly Susan? Well, she’s nothing compared to Rhonda, our office manager. Okay, here’s an example: Rhonda’s constantly forgetting to reorder toner for the office copy machine. So last Friday, which is supply-reorder day at the office, she showed up to work with a reminder note that said “Toner” taped to her forehead! She’s so nuts!
Then there’s Rose, our assistant customer-service coordinator. Believe me, those folks on The Drew Carey Show couldn’t hold a candle to her. Rose has this coffee cup that says, “Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Had My Second Cup Of Coffee,” that’s the type of person she is. Once, she tore a page out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog, taped Ron’s face over one of the models’ and posted it in the break-room bulletin board! Maybe I should call up the folks at Drew Carey and tell them about Rose. Then again, they may not be ready for her!
We even have a Jewish person here, David, who’s always complaining about something. If they did a sitcom about us I don’t think they should make David Jewish, though, because that might seem racist. I’d have him look and act the same, but give him an Italian last name.
And, of course, I mustn’t forget to mention Mr. Landers, our boss. He has got to be the grouchiest man alive. Whenever he comes down to Receiving, he always bellows something like, “Why is everyone standing around? Is this National Stand Around The Office And Do Nothing Day?” We always jump back to work, but as soon as he’s gone, someone makes a crack about the out-of-date ties he wears. Sheila, one of the customer-service representatives, did this hysterical impression of him at last year’s Christmas party that still makes me laugh to this day. (Sometimes I think we don’t have employees here—we have inmates!)
And just like the bosses on those TV shows, Mr. Landers is constantly trying to break up our fun. One day, we were having a little party at Eileen’s desk on her first day back from maternity leave, and everybody was giving her all these crazy gag gifts. Mitch got her a pair of earplugs “for all the crying she was in for.” Renee got her a bottle of Calgon because of those commercials where the woman is cooking and cleaning, and the kids are crying, and she yells, “Calgon, take me away!” (Eileen, Renee and I all yell that now whenever the phones start ringing off the hook!)
Well, our fun didn’t last long. Hearing some sort of commotion at Eileen’s desk, Mr. Landers came in and said, “What’s going on here?” We told him it was a little party for Eileen, and he replied, “You’re going to be holding your party in the unemployment line if you don’t get back to work.” Can you believe that old sourpuss? But we got the last laugh: When he turned and walked out of Receiving, he had a “Congratulations” napkin stuck to the bottom of his shoe! Couldn’t you just see that as the end of an episode? I sure could!
So, if any of you big-city TV people are reading this, feel free to give me a call, and I could arrange to have you come down and meet the loonballs at Tri-State Consolidated. I think you’d have the next big hit on your hands!
