Grandma’s #MeToo Stories Fucking HorrifyingLocal Brother-In-Law Heard You Can Make Shitload Of Money Doing ThatHoward Schultz Considering Independent Presidential Run After Finding No Initial Support Among Any Voter Groups340 Million Social Security Numbers Obtained By Federal Government In Massive Personal Data BreachUSDA Just Doing Quick Smell Tests To Inspect All The Backlogged Meat That Piled Up During ShutdownMan Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire HimDisney Announces ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ Will Feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, And All The Rest Of Your Favorite Touchstone Pictures Characters‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s BackReport: Mueller Investigation Nearly Done With First Day Of Trump CampaignOlder Cafeteria Monitor Not A Teacher Or Parent Or AnythingDick Cheney Finally Hunts Down, Kills Man He Shot In Face In 2006Minnesota Resident Thinking Of Finally Packing It All Up And Moving Someplace Warm Like MichiganFrigid Chicago Bean Shrivels Up From Below-Zero TemperaturesT-Mobile Announces Wireless Service Now Covers 70% Of Your ApartmentNew ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Confirms Season 8 Will Reveal Identity Of Sword-Covered ChairJimmy Carter Concerned Desire For Fresh Faces In Democratic Party May Hurt His Chances In 2020Parents’ Visit Injects $66 Into Local Apartment EconomyParenting Experts Warn Screen Time Greatly Increases Risk Of Child Becoming An InfluencerFirst Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit SuicideNew Mom Self-Conscious About Scar Where Baby Punched Its Way Out Of StomachCory Booker Apologizes To Wall Street Bankers For The Mean Things He’s Going To Have To Say About ThemInexperienced Puppy Bowl Team Still Hasn’t Opened Eyes YetNurse Tells Wheelchair-Bound, Concussed Rob Gronkowski He’s At The Super Bowl With All His Friends‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super BowlSuper Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl TrophyGiant Demonic Hand Bursts Out Of Ground, Drags Bill Belichick Back To Hell
