College can provide a rich, rewarding experience for students if they really prioritize materialism and bring cool stuff. Here is The Onion’s essential college shopping guide.
Condoms, Baby
It’s important to ensure that your more attractive roommate who actually has sex is doing so in a safe manner.
Dave Matthews Band CD
You’re about to blow some minds.
Bring Nothing
Cast off all earthly attachments, as they lead only to suffering.
Bible
Don’t let the feminist floozies on campus take your virginity before marriage like you’re some kind of weak-willed slut.
Cadaver
This multi-purpose tool can be used for research, recreation, and even as a date.
Necco Wafers
Nothing courts a school chum quicker than a sweet confectionery from the corner nickel mart.
Mid-Sized Sedan For Getting Around Campus
A vehicle like the 2023 Hyundai Sonata is big enough to comfortably fit five passengers yet small enough to squeeze inside the average dorm room.
A Copy Of ‘White Fragility’
Sends an immediate sign to any potential friends that you’re going to be a whole lot to deal with.
Futon That Converts Into An Ottoman That Converts Into A Blanket That Converts Into A Lamp
Also can turn into popcorn when folded and placed in the microwave.
50 Oz. Whale Oil
For keeping the lamp lit on those long nights when you need to stay up studying for midterms.
Fake ID
Better to rely on a surefire way to make friends than attempting to highlight your personality.
Mommy
You’ll need her to do your laundry and cook your meals while you’re away at college.
Shower Gaiters
College bathrooms can get dingy, so make sure to protect your feet, shins, knees, and thighs from those grimy showers with a good pair of shower gaiters.
A Cowboy Hat
Trust us, wearing a cowboy hat is the only way to be considered cool in college.
An Acoustic Guitar
These smash up real good when you’re in a drunken rage.
A Poster From The Movie ‘City Hall’
Sure, having that classic still from the 1996 political thriller featuring Pacino and Cusack talking by the waterfront is kind of a dorm-room cliché at this point, but some movies really are just that cool.
Newsboy Cap And Cape
If you’re ever going to become the alpha male in anime club, this is definitely how you do it. A cane could help, too.
Pink Amazon River Dolphin
You never know.
Manifesto
College is an incredible place to share and workshop ideas with other disaffected incels about how women should be owned as property.
Human Papillomavirus
No one wants to be the only one on campus without a strain of HPV.
Shelves Of Pygmies, Wyrd Foetuses, And Other Curios In Embalming Fluid
Your university years are a time to discover the secret animating force at the heart of life. Its cause may be unearthly, but you must continue your work—you must!
Nunchucks
For pleasure and self-defense.
Goons
As you embark on your college journey, you simply must have your goons around you. Every college student needs goons. Big goons. Little goons. Doesn’t matter what size, so long as they’re willing to just start wrecking shit for absolutely no reason. Goons keep all kinds of weapons on them: guns, knives, fuck it, even nunchucks or that weird shit. Some goons don’t speak English. Some never wear a shirt. Some only come out at night and fear the sun. All that matters is that they’re goons, and that they don’t give a fuck.
Goose’s Quill And Iron-Gall Ink
Howsoever else shall you copy out the Latin declensions for Professor Garnassus’ translation of the Eclogues!?
That Gnome That You Found Sophomore Year
After Blingoo helped you feel confident enough to rejoin jazz band after your dad died, you knew he’d always be your best friend. Well, now you’re headed to college, and it’s time for Blingoo to teach you how to par-tay!
Portable Forensics Lab
Because the local police department sure won’t be testing any rape kits.
Flintstones Alarm Clock, Flintstones Backpack, Flintstones Laptop Case, Flintstones Scooter, Flintstones Area Rug
These are all no-brainers.
A Copy Of ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ With Pages Carved Out So It Can Hide A Copy Of Marguerite
Perfect for fooling your professor into thinking you’re reading mid-stage postmodern fiction when in reality you’re reading late-stage modernist non-fiction.
Corpse Of Audrey Hepburn
No college dorm room is complete without dream girl Audrey Hepburn’s decomposed body taped to the wall.
Goo
Everyone at college is talking about goo, and if you don’t got goo? Well sorry, buddy. You don’t got friends.
Conservative Classmate Beating Club
No college supplies are complete without a heavy wooden club to hit any conservative student who dares to speak in class and beat them into silence.
Chuck Lorre
The Cybill, Dharma & Greg, and Two And A Half Men producer will be great to lean on when you get homesick and need a caring, attentive ear. Just pull him out from under your bed and get yakking!
Pen That Writes Math Equations On Library Windows
If you’re a once-in-a-generation tortured genius who will revolutionize mathematics and indeed human civilization, this is a must-have for scrawling out your brilliant equations on a glass windowpane.
Photos Of The Notoriously Tough Economics Professor In A Compromising Position
Many freshmen find their college workload overwhelming, so it’s good to get into the habit of blackmailing professors early in the semester.
13 Slurbs Of Wet Jerf
Whether it’s your roommate or your professor, you’ll be glad you arrived with a baker’s dozen fresh slurbs of the soppiest Jerf you can find.
The High School Teacher You Were Fucking
If she really loves you, she’ll come with you!
