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The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in

Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence

Impeach President Barack Obama

On the Mexico side of the border, have a film projector constantly showing what daily life in Texas is like

One 700-foot-tall border agent

Optimize your border security by encrypting your VPN with a WPA2 security code and segmenting your networks according to ISA IEC 62443 standards

Spikes or something?

Nothing a little drone action can’t solve

Give immigrants a flat-out honest explanation of the kind of racism and xenophobia they can expect if they cross over