From Oscar hopefuls to big-budget sequels to whatever the hell The Shift is, movies will be flocking to empty theaters and half-interested viewers at home all through the next few months. The Onion takes a look at the most-anticipated films of fall 2023.
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Killers Of The Flower Moon
Martin Scorsese continues his soulless assault on the art of cinema with another plodding three-hour movie that doesn’t contain a single explosion, alien, or CGI fight scene.
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The Marvels
At just one hour and 45 minutes, The Marvels boasts the shortest runtime in the Marvel franchise, assuming you’ve already watched the three other feature films and six-episode TV series required for the plot to make sense.
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Kyle’s Bar Mitzvah
The 17 minutes of blurry iPhone footage Aunt Noreen took is sure to take theaters by storm.
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The Exorcist: Believer
This film has big shoes to fill if it wants to be worse than the other four sequels.
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Napoleon
As if you have anything better to do the night before Thanksgiving.
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Aquaman And The Lost Kingdom
Aquaman spends the entire film slowly dying in agony after choking on a plastic six-pack ring.
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Wonka
Timothée Chalamet reportedly researched his role by spending months enslaving Oompa-Loompas.
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The Creator
An unintentionally strong case for the use of AI in screenwriting.
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The Bourne Identity
It’s never a bad time for a rewatch of this classic 2002 Matt Damon vehicle.
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Rebel Moon
This $166 million sci-fi flick you’ve heard nothing about is sure to come and go without a peep.
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The Boy And The Heron
Eighty-two-year-old Hayao Miyazaki came out of retirement to direct this animated feature, denying yet another opportunity to aspiring filmmakers.
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The Wonderful Story Of Henry Sugar
Wes Anderson’s latest features the same predictable cast of talentless nobodies his films are known for.
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The Unrelenting Horror Of Everyday Life
Available free and streaming constantly on every internet-connected screen around you.