From Oscar hopefuls to big-budget sequels to whatever the hell The Shift is, movies will be flocking to empty theaters and half-interested viewers at home all through the next few months. The Onion takes a look at the most-anticipated films of fall 2023.
Killers Of The Flower Moon
Martin Scorsese continues his soulless assault on the art of cinema with another plodding three-hour movie that doesn’t contain a single explosion, alien, or CGI fight scene.
The Marvels
At just one hour and 45 minutes, The Marvels boasts the shortest runtime in the Marvel franchise, assuming you’ve already watched the three other feature films and six-episode TV series required for the plot to make sense.
Kyle’s Bar Mitzvah
The 17 minutes of blurry iPhone footage Aunt Noreen took is sure to take theaters by storm.
The Exorcist: Believer
This film has big shoes to fill if it wants to be worse than the other four sequels.
Napoleon
As if you have anything better to do the night before Thanksgiving.
Aquaman And The Lost Kingdom
Aquaman spends the entire film slowly dying in agony after choking on a plastic six-pack ring.
Wonka
Timothée Chalamet reportedly researched his role by spending months enslaving Oompa-Loompas.
The Creator
An unintentionally strong case for the use of AI in screenwriting.
The Bourne Identity
It’s never a bad time for a rewatch of this classic 2002 Matt Damon vehicle.
Rebel Moon
This $166 million sci-fi flick you’ve heard nothing about is sure to come and go without a peep.
The Boy And The Heron
Eighty-two-year-old Hayao Miyazaki came out of retirement to direct this animated feature, denying yet another opportunity to aspiring filmmakers.
The Wonderful Story Of Henry Sugar
Wes Anderson’s latest features the same predictable cast of talentless nobodies his films are known for.
The Unrelenting Horror Of Everyday Life
Available free and streaming constantly on every internet-connected screen around you.
