Following the actor’s high profile cheating scandal on the Bravo reality TV series Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval rocketed to fame as one of America’s most hated villains. The Onion sat down with the embattled celebrity to discuss what’s next for him, his career, and his extremely tumultuous love life.
The Onion
Sandoval: “Not directly. When we need to discuss issues with the house, we just leave each other notes written in blood on the walls.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “When we have another affair to promote.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “Going out in public.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “Yes, because I see myself as more of a Breonna Taylor.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “I thought we were here to talk about my infidelity.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “While it promotes competition, it unfairly favors big agribusiness and the European auto industry at the expense of small enterprise and family farmers.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “It’s insulting that people doubt my integrity and think I wouldn’t willingly cheat on my girlfriend of nine years.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “No, I have absolutely offered to have makeup sex with her multiple times since we separated.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “Definitely! I think I’ll cheat again!”
The Onion
Sandoval: “I had that part of my brain removed as soon as I was cast on Vanderpump Rules.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “I handed them a check for $3 million and they immediately sprinted away.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “It is a combination of my name and the word ‘candle.’”
The Onion
Sandoval: “No, I was actually a virgin until this latest season.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “I would have put more effort into my brooding stare for last season’s promo photos.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “Oh yeah. I fucking love sex.”
The Onion
Sandoval: “I’ll let you know once I see which women they add to the cast next season.”
