The last thing you want while booking your wedding is to be three months out without a caterer, dress, or venue. Learn exactly when to plan each aspect of your special day with The Onion’s wedding calendar.
30 Years Out
Choose Your Venue: Jesus Christ, chill the fuck out. What are you, like, 2 years old at this point?
8 Years Out
Choose Your Maid Of Honor: Now would be a great time to start undermining your relationship with your sister so you can ask one of your fun friends instead.
3 Years Out
Give Your Significant Other An Ultimatum: Let’s be real, if he doesn’t want to get down on one knee, you can just as easily go to a sperm bank.
12 Months Out
Vision Board: Start brainstorming potential flowers, guest lists, and person you are marrying.
10 Months Out
Attire: Begin wearing your wedding dress to work, run errands, exercise, and sleep in order to make you feel totally comfortable while walking down the aisle.
10 Months Out
Set Up Your Wedding Website: Include plenty of links to other similarly named weddings to help boost SEO.
9 Months Out
Discover You’re Pregnant: If anyone asks, the venue made you move the wedding date up by three months.
8 Months Out
Dessert: You’d be surprised how many cakes you’ll have to taste before you and your fiancé decide on which triple-decker you’ll both pop out of.
4 Months Out
Tone: Pick an officiant who’s, like, a Quaker or something to really piss off both sets of parents.
3 Months Out
Chastity Test: Have an appointment with the British Royal Obstetrician who will check to ensure purity.
3 Months Out
Plagiarize Vows: With so much of your relationship already being fake, it’s only fitting that the promises you make to your future partner are also stolen from a generic internet template.
2 Months Out
Combat Simulation: Ensure that your future spouse has a warrior spirit by reenacting the Battle of Thermopylae together.
1 Month Out
The Juggler: You want them to be funny and risky to entertain the children, but also dignified and mature to keep the grandparents happy.
2 Weeks Out
Just Say Fuck It And Decide To Elope: Sorry mom. It’s a little too much to handle right now.
1 Week Out
Call All Of Your Exes: Offer them a last chance to grab you by the shoulders, kiss you passionately, and whisper, “He’s a lucky guy,” before driving away into the darkness.
1 Hour Out
Catering: If you don’t want to serve your guests cold pizza at the reception, we’d recommend placing that delivery order for the reception now.
5 Minutes Out
Quietly Lock All Exit Routes: No one gets in or out.
45 Seconds Out
Panic And Sprint Out Of The Venue In Your Wedding Dress: Run, run, and never look back.
3 Weeks After
Send Out Follow-Up Surveys: This is the best way to ensure that you avoid similar mistakes during your next wedding.
3 Years After
Regret: Wake up in a cold sweat when you realize you’ve married the wrong Baldwin brother.
