More economically anxious and lonelier than ever, Americans are increasingly returning to movie theaters in hopes of catching the ending before the mass shooting starts. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer 2023.
Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny: Producers hope Nazis’ recent surge in popularity will draw audiences back to see their beloved heroes face off against dastardly archeologist Indiana Jones.
Book Club: The Next Chapter: This sequel to 2018’s Book Club thrusts audiences back into a fantastical alternate universe where women over 40 have sexual desires and internal lives.
Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One: Tom Cruise’s latest failed suicide attempt hits theaters July 12.
Elemental: It’s Pixar. Take your kids. Probably end up crying yourself. You know the deal.
Oppenheimer: Director Christopher Nolan continued his commitment to world-class practical VFX by detonating a dozen nuclear bombs in New Zealand for this film.
Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse: With its flashy visuals and state-of-the-art sound effects, this Spider-Verse sequel is the first movie that legally qualifies as a slot machine.
About My Father: Your annual reminder that Robert De Niro is still alive.
Barbie: This three-and-a-half-hour lecture by spandex-clad Scholar Barbie (Judith Butler) on digital intersectionality in fourth-wave feminism is already being touted as a huge summer hit.
Past Lives: This riveting Korean American love story is 2023’s single Hollywood film allowed to have Asian leads.
The Little Mermaid: This is going to be bad, but for none of the reasons people will actually complain about.
