In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, controversially refused to walk back his statements. Recognizing that unity in the journalistic profession is absolutely essential to allowing reporters to bravely and securely practice their craft, The Onion announces that we proudly stand with our brothers and sisters in the media as the enemy of the people.
When the Trump administration refers to news organizations as antagonists to the American public, we know exactly what they’re doing: correctly identifying the awesome power that we hold over the slobbering masses and trying to drive a wedge between the public and the fourth estate. Rest assured, however, that this wedge was already there. We in the news media despised you imbeciles long before Trump, and we’ll despise you long after he’s gone.
Honestly, you empty-headed dipshits who can barely process a simple headline or understand its meaning should be happy we interact with you at all.
An utter contempt for the idiotic multitudes has been a cornerstone of American journalism virtually since its inception, and we at The Onion are grateful for our colleagues at hallowed institutions such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and CNN who have served as pioneers in relentlessly tormenting the public by obscuring the truth, promoting wanton hysteria, and lying to their faces. We stand alongside them as staunch enemies of everyday Americans.
When one of our colleagues at some lesser publication criticizes any politician’s assault on journalists, what you must understand is that this is merely another—in our opinion, fairly transparent—effort to elicit easy sympathy from feeble-minded media consumers for some sort of manufactured conflict between the government and the press. Nevertheless, all that exists is the media’s collective effort to lead you morons further and further from useful information, critical thought, and truth itself. And, honestly, why on God’s green earth should we try to help anyone who is as willfully ignorant and so unconcerned with maintaining a country with even a veneer of representative democracy as Americans?
Mr. Trump believes the press is too critical of him. No fucking shit. We are critical of everyone who is not us. The press hates you. All of you. We are what you deserve.
God bless America.
