Football, Sports

The Onion Looks Back On Bill Belichick’s 24,000-Year Reign Of Darkness

Published:

January 11, 2024

The Onion

‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves

The Onion

‘Find The Traitor And Crush Him,’ Announces Bill Belichick To Monstrous Linebackers Birthed From Foxborough Mud Pits

The Onion

Bill Belichick Locks Covid-Exposed Players In Room With Broken Glass Bottle, Single Dose Of Antibody Cocktail

The Onion

Bill Belichick Praises Patriots’ Discipline And Dedication In Building The Device

The Onion

Giant Demonic Hand Bursts Out Of Ground, Drags Bill Belichick Back To Hell

The Onion

Sean McVay Reveals Bill Belichick Occasionally Texted Him Photos Of Dead Animals After Games

The Onion

Bill Belichick Announces This Final Season He Will Coach In Current Mortal Form

The Onion

Michele Tafoya Crumbles To Dust After Speaking With Belichick At Halftime

The Onion

Belichick Smothers Struggling Rookie With Blocking Pad

The Onion

Bill Belichick Reminds Players They Expected To Attend Offseason Team Experiments

The Onion

Bill Belichick Gazes Fondly At Absence Of Reflection In Vince Lombardi Trophy

The Onion

Bill Belichick Keeping Warm On Sideline In Deer Carcass

The Onion

Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die

The Onion

Exhausted Bill Belichick Attempts To Wake Up By Splashing Some Blood On His Face

The Onion

Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God

The Onion

Emotional Bill Belichick Wipes Away Tar Streaming From Eyes After Super Bowl

The Onion

Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage

The Onion

Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’

The Onion

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

The Onion

In Stunning Change Of Character, Bill Belichick Adopts Half-Dozen Dogs From Humane Society

The Onion

Bill Belichick Lauded For Volunteer Work At Local Morgue

The Onion

Bill Belichick Forgets About Loss By Relaxing In Bathtub Filled With Warm Entrails

The Onion

Bill Belichick Consumed By Insecurity, Jealousy Towards Quarterback For Years

The Onion

Bill Belichick Drops Off Recent Draft Picks In Middle Of Nowhere, Tells Them To Find Way Back

The Onion

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The Onion

Bill Belichick: ‘We Didn’t Win In That Last Second, Did We?’

The Onion

Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He’s Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

The Onion

Bill Belichick Finding New And Interesting Ways To Cut Players

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