Politics The Onion Looks Back At The First 100 Days And 10 Plagues Of The Trump Administration Published: April 29, 2017 ‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying AddressWhite House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage AgainTrump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of EmpathyTrump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To AssembleEric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To TellSecret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s PsycheOfficials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One WordMar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next TableFrustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump AdministrationMike Pence Clearly Went To Ash Wednesday Services Dozens Of TimesRodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security MeetingMar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To DateFederal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly ScheduleAides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From SkullFBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential AdministrationsJared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do ListTrump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-LagoMike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife ArrivesTrump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing WhimsSean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial StatementsTrump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed ExoskeletonCackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax ReturnsMelania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New YorkMike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On BreathTrump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown Advertising OJ Simpson Announces Bills Second Round Draft Pick Continued on next page Explore Tags Vol 53: Issue 16 Related Coverage Melania Trump Announces First 1,000 People To Preorder New Memoir Will See Her Face In Their Dreams Until Death Trump Assassination Suspect Buying AR-15s Nonstop While In Custody Report: Trump Defiantly Pumped Fist For 20 Minutes After Assassination Attempt Searching For Camera