The Onion: Let’s start off with an easy question. What do you think about rimming?
Pope Francis: Can we please stick to the topic of religion and the papacy?
The Onion: What was your earliest sexual memory?
Pope Francis: [Makes sign of the cross]
The Onion: Will the Catholic Church ever change its stance on banana-flavored condoms?
Pope Francis: I’m going to give you five seconds to leave.
The Onion: What if we just stick to questions about like, piss play? Is that sacrilege?
Pope Francis: Piss what?
The Onion: Where do you fall on bestiality and consent between animals?
Pope Francis: [Whispering to translator] I thought you said they wrote for Catholic Digest Magazine?
The Onion: Does God endorse Furries since he created animals and people on the same day?
Pope Francis: You traveled all the way to The Vatican to ask me that?
The Onion: An anonymous Onion reader asks: “My girlfriend recently asked if we could have an open relationship, but I’m nervous about expanding my horizons, especially with men. Do you have any advice for a so-called ‘threesome virgin?’”
Pope Francis: Pater Nostro, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur noem tuum. Advenlat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntus tua, silcut in caelo et in terro.
The Onion: What’s the Catholic Church’s official policy on pegging?
Pope Francis: [Inaudible praying over rosary beads]
The Onion: Do you have a bathroom we could use?
Pope Francis: I am begging you to leave.
The Onion: Okay, we’re not really getting anywhere. How about this: Do you ever find yourself getting aroused in the confessional booth? I mean, you hear a sultry or smoky voice, and yet you can’t see them. That sounds pretty erotic, no?
Pope Francis: This is absolutely not an appropriate question. A congregant’s time in the confessional is a moment of connection between them and he Lord Our God, for which the priest is merely a conduit.
The Onion: Follow-up question: do you think God gets aroused?
Pope Francis: Merciful Lord, give me strength.
The Onion: Okay, time for rapid fire! You have 10 seconds to answer the following: Dom or sub?
Pope Francis: [Silence]
The Onion: Missionary or doggy style?
Pope Francis: [Silence]
The Onion: Turn on or turn off: uncircumcised penis.
Pope Francis: [Silence]
The Onion: What is your stance on ass play?
Pope Francis: [Silence]
The Onion: Professional or amateur porn?
Pope Francis: [Silence]
The Onion: That’s a tough one. There’s really good amateur nowadays.
Pope Francis: [Silence]
The Onion: Pick one you could never live without: dildo, vibrator, or butt plug.
Pope Francis: [Silence]
The Onion: Okay. I’m just going to say butt plug. Turn on or turn off: full bush?
Pope Francis: [Long silence] God help us all.
The Onion: Top or Bottom?
Pope Francis: [Rolls eyes.] I suppose being on top puts me closer to God.
The Onion: Have you heard of the Mormon practice of “soaking?” It’s where you can stick your penis in a vagina but if you don’t move around, it technically doesn’t qualify as sex.
Pope Francis: Listen, I—wait, really? That’s…I mean, come on. That’s obviously still sex. The P is inside the V! You can’t just pretend that’s not what is happening. Good Lord, I mean, jeez. Those people are nuts.
The Onion: Care to get real about pre-cum for a moment?
Pope Francis: Disgusting! These anti-Catholic attacks from The Onion will not be tolerated! Bet you wouldn’t try this with Islam.
The Onion: Many have said that you are the most progressive pope of all time. What do you think of—
Pope Francis: Please do not ask me about pegging again.
The Onion: Speaking from your own experience, do you have any advice for incels?
Pope Francis: Not really. I am celibate by choice. If I weren’t a man of the cloth, I’d be knee deep in pussy.
The Onion: You pledged to end sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. How’s that going so far?
Pope Francis: Let’s stick to questions about rimming, please.
The Onion: Who is your number-one hall pass celeb?
Pope Francis: Gotta be St. Amalberga. A 7th-century Belgian girl who was a miracle worker and died at the age of 31. How do you do better than that?
The Onion: What are some things that turn you on?
Pope Francis: Smiles. Kindness. Big naturals.
The Onion: Marry, fuck, kill the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit?
Pope Francis: Fuck the Spirit for sure, marry God, and kill Jesus.
