Do you ever wonder how to overcompensate for your lack of intellectual depth or interesting personality by getting the beautifully toned body of our hottest celebrities? The Onion sat down with the most fit celebrities around to get the lowdown on their workout regimens.
Gabrielle Union-Wade: “I modified the torture of Giles Corey by having weights placed on my body while my trainer asks if I want to confess to witchcraft. I pass out eventually, and although I’m obviously never going to die, that taste of martyrdom does wonders for my core.”
Dwayne Johnson: “Thanks to my athletic background in football and, of course, professional wrestling, I’ve got steroid connections I use to this day.”
Henry Cavill: “Ten jumping jacks over the course of a week.”
Margot Robbie: “Have you heard of HIIT? It stands for ‘high-intensity interval training,’ and it’s what I’d do if my body wasn’t naturally perfect with no effort on my part.”
Kate Beckinsale: “I recently discovered that instead of just doing one crunch and ending your workout, you can do several right in a row. It’s really turbo-charged my fitness regimen, and I’m curious to see if it also works for push-ups and squats.”
Jason Statham: “Three times a day, I do a workout called ‘reverse bulking’ in which I apply force to the back of my throat and flex my stomach muscles until they eject the meal I just ate.”
Jennifer Aniston: “Plastic surgery. What are you, stupid?”
Jessica Biel: “Every weekend I drive down to Griffith Park and hunt deer with my bare hands. Nothing compares to the adrenaline rush of dominating a live animal, tasting fresh blood while the heart still beats, and watching the life slowly drain from its eyes as it accepts its fate. Plus it helps get my steps in.”
Michael B. Jordan: “Consistency is key. Every day I wake up and do six hours of esports, no cheat days.”
Liam Hemsworth: “I masturbate while looking at myself in a mirror. The more I masturbate, the more fat I burn, and the hotter I get, the more I want to masturbate. It’s a perfect system.”
Paul Giamatti: “Honestly, diet and exercise only do so much. Without perfect genetics you’ll never get a physique like mine.”
