Happy 2002! Whew, I’m glad we can put 2001 behind us with all that terrorism. It’s a New Year, and already the grapevine is buzzing with Hollywood gossip!
Item! The Lord Of The Rings is “hobbit-forming”! That’s right, this fantastic new movie is truly a “hard hobbit to break”! I’ve journeyed to the magical land of Mordor (courtesy of my local Loew’s Cineplex) three times in the past week and have gotten swept away each time! The majesty of the landscape! The pointy little ears! And, oh, that Ian MacGregor as the wizard Gandahar! I hope that all parties involved in Episode One: The Ring’s Fellows have dusted off an Oscar spot on their knickknack shelves, because they’re gonna need it!
Item! Tom and Penelope Cruze are sizzling in Vanilla Sky! That pairing is so hot, it’s no wonder we haven’t gotten any snow this winter. It made me a little sad that we only got half an inch by Christmas. It’s always been a tradition at the Harvey Household to go out and make snow angels after a few mugs of egg nog, but if I’d flopped back into that tiny an amount of snow, my Christmas present would have been a broken back!
Speaking of presents, I pretty much got everything I wanted this year. Although, as I get older, there’s less I want. A few pairs of socks and maybe a warm shirt. Sure enough, that’s what I got, plus a few extras I hadn’t even wished for, like The Godfather DVD box set. I still haven’t gotten around to watching it, because I don’t care for shoot-’em-up pictures.
Item! I’m sad to report that super-dish Drew Barrymore and gross-out king Freddy “The Finger” Green are getting the big D. That’s right, D-I-V-O-R-C-E! Everyone thought theirs was a love written across the sky in permanent ink, but in the end, that ink proved to be the erasable kind. It makes me wonder if there’s any hope for love at all.
Say, who here has been checking out that Sex In The City show? I for one haven’t been able to take my eyes off it! Those girls are catty with a capital C! Me-rowrr!
Item! Just how much is the cast of Friends getting paid? I wish there were some way I could get my hands on that information, because whatever it is, I’m certain it isn’t enough.
Item! They just announced that 2001’s top-selling album was from a band called Lincoln Park. No, they aren’t enthusiasts of our former president. Apparently, they’re angry kids with a message. Well, I have a message for them: Get off the stage and let a real star like Mariah Carey get her just desserts! She released an album. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called Glimmer, and that’s the record people should be buying, not one by some heavy-metal grunting gorillas. Plus, she’s had some tough breaks lately. Give her a chance, will ya?
It’s time I shared my opinion on these new club drugs that seem to be so popular these days. Now, before I say this, I want you all to know that I’m no square. I’m not above having a few glasses of wine now and then if the occasion calls for it. However, I’ve been hearing about these “ecstasy” pills that people are taking. Let me tell you, you may think you’re getting high, but once you get low again, you find out that the price you paid is higher than the high was high. Just remember this simple rhyme: Users are losers, no two ways around it. I get my ecstasy the old-fashioned way: by watching a really good Danny Kaye movie.
Speaking of good movies, have you checked out Jim Carrey in The Majestic? I haven’t yet but, boy, the commercials make it look great! The ads don’t give away the movie’s ending, but they give you just enough information to make it clear that it will have you cheering in your seat.
So, it looks like we have that Taliban on the run this time. Just goes to show you, don’t mess with the good old U. S. of A. These colors don’t run when you put them in the washing machine or a hostile foreign situation.
After one too many servings of holiday ham, I decided that my New Year’s Resolution was to lose 15 pounds so I can fit into my good suit again. I might even join a gym, but I haven’t made up my mind yet. I’ve also decided that this is the year to find that special someone. Has Jackie Harvey bitten off more than he can chew? The only way to find out is to check back here throughout 2002.
Hey, what happened to Emeril? I thought that show had it all. It was funny, true to life, and full of great cooking action. Bam! Bring it back and take a stand for quality programming!
I was finally going to get myself a Nintendo 64 to help me unwind after a hard day of entertainment-news gathering, only now it turns out that it is out of style. There’s a new Nintendo game out, and it’s shaped like a cube. How can I possibly keep up with all these technological breakthroughs? I’ll say one thing: If I were basing my purchase on looks alone, the cube would come out on top. That thing is so darn cute!
Whoops! How could I have forgotten about the death of George Harrison, the Quiet Wilbury? With his passing, the Fab Five that once was Tom, Bob, George, Jeff, and Roy is now down to three. Many people overlooked George’s contributions to the Wilburys, but by Vol. 3 he had established himself as one of their best songwriters. I’ll never forget 1988, the peak of Wilburymania, when you couldn’t walk down the street without hearing one of their tunes. I’m sure he and Roy are up there in heaven, jamming with all the other greats. Handle George with care, God.
And right up there with them, cracking jokes, is funnyman Foster Brooks, whose portrayal of a tipsy socialite was second only to Dean Martin’s. Danke schoen for all the laughs, Foster, and have one in heaven for me.
Sorry to have to cut it off here, friends and well-wishers (and all the rest of you, too), but the Scoop is onto some hot stuff. I can’t spill all the details right now, but let’s just say that it involves a three-way collision between Meg Ryan, a shoe store, and a credit card. Now that your minds are reeling, I’m going to have to cut you off. Meanwhile, keep yourselves occupied with a good book, a fine movie, or just turn on the boob tube for a few hours and let yourself veg out. In the meantime, I’ll keep watching all the Hollywood doings… from the Outside!
Jackie Harvey graduated from Viterbo University with a degree in English literature in 1990. After honing his writing and copy-editing skills at The Sunshine Shopper, he became The Onion’s entertainment columnist in 1994, replacing the outgoing Archie “Arch” Danielson. Currently, Harvey writes his regular column, “The Outside Scoop,” as well as his blog, “Harveywood!”
